Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 518
Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8 degrees. My kids’ kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.
Things are so scary and intimidating with AIDS and the right wing that people are looking for somebody to just give them safe harbors.
I don't know who I touch and who I don't. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don't have any secrets. I don't know the reasons I've been so well received.
Hello. And welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. The points here are kind of like Canada.
Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.
My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to my girlfriend. But first, I'd probably burn my clothes.
I was one of the first people to almost actually vomit over hearing the use of the phrase "family values" and I pride myself on never having fallen for the idea that Barbara Bush was sweet and grandmotherly. I met Barbara Bush and, as I expected, she was a tank with eyes, not a nice person at all and why should that blow anybody away?
Terrorists, oh I’m sorry, Fox News tells us it’s all illegal immagration’s fault but it’s not their fault, it’s ours.
I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No... got any Snapple?'