Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 518

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Have you ever watched footage of the destruction caused by hurricanes in America? When a big wind sweeps across America, there isn't a building left standing. And you can't help thinking: the Southern states of America must have been built by the first two little piggies.

You got to dump her buddy. That girl's a prude, you don't want none of that. You want a girl like your Mama.

These are the big breakthroughs in science and technology in the last 10 years: we have Rogaine, Prozac, now we have Viagra. You get a sense for who's bankrolling medical research in this country. It's just depressed, balding, white guys who can't get erections anymore. God forbid they cure something important, like muscular dystrophy. It's like, 'Sorry, little Johnny, you can't get up, but look - I can.'

I tried to contact Johnny to reconcile our friendship, a million times, but he just wasn't having it. When he passed away, I felt such a crushing blow, that things were still unresolved. Johnny was a dear friend, I wish things would've ended different, this just was not worth it.

I was making love one night with my wife and she said: "You're in me." I know where I am, shut the fuck up.

I know De Niro, you know, it's all famous that he packed on 60 pounds for Raging Bull, but ah, he just did it for one movie, I do that for every movie.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

Booty is just a ghetto expression, and I'm just a booty star.

All of your life you were crazy about cars, I guess that's why you turned out to be such a crank.

The Mayor of Hong Kong, who said "Can't work today. Have American flu." Never got a dinner!

Is oral sex adultery? Yes! That's the end of the fucking argument. There's nothing to discuss. If curling is an Olympic sport, then oral sex is adultery. And oral sex should be an Olympic sport. I would like to see that. Ice skating, then blowjobs. I certainly would stay through whatever commercials they had. I think oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it's harder than curling ever has been. And if you're any good at it, you deserve a medal.

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

Gradual school is where you go to school and you gradually find out you don't want to go to school anymore.