Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 518
Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.
I never wanted to churn it out. Comedians tend to work all the time. They never put it down like musicians who might make an album then take three or four years off to recharge their batteries. Comedians tend to work straight through and they get stale because of that. Even when I didn't have a lot of money I never ever did it unless I had something new to say.
You got to dump her buddy. That girl's a prude, you don't want none of that. You want a girl like your Mama.
We have 93 million households, and we’re in a beautiful position at 11 o’clock. There’s an audience out there that’s underserved. In the continuing diversity of the country, and as people become more familiar with you, you realize it’s not your father’s country anymore.
I could blame a lot of my life on alcohol and I don’t. I just know I’m a fucking loser.
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
I was making love one night with my wife and she said: "You're in me." I know where I am, shut the fuck up.
Eve, who asked Adam, "Does this fig leaf make me look fat?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)
I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.
Alexander Graham Bell’s wife, who said to Alex on their wedding night, "Your three minutes are up." Never got a dinner!
I keep telling people I’ll make movies until I’m fifty and then I’ll go and do something else. I’m going to be a professional gentleman of leisure.