Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 518
I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.
Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.
We’re having a traditional Thanksgiving - turkey, mashed potatoes, hat buckles, smallpox, genocide, a blue corn moon, etc.
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
Doormen are kind of invisible, people don't know their names. They just say, Thank you, or Good morning. I'd never thought about doormen before. They're a vanishing breed. More electronic doors are being introduced.
What are you so mad about? That we still have a government? We still have “traffic lights.” We’re sorry. The government’s not perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone.
We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.
You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's nothing. Let me tell you what a tough crowd is. A tough crowd is going to a morning service and you got six people there and you gotta pat your house payment. That's a tough crowd.