Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 522

It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything.

I was worried if I got my driver’s license I’d start winning all the NASCAR races.

I have girlfriends who will text message naked photos of themselves to their man. Which, I guess the whole point of that is, to be like, 'Here's what's waiting for you at home, big boy.' If I was to do a 'here's what's waiting for you at home' photo shoot, I would take some pictures of the frigging dishes, the bills right now. My vagina's not waiting for you at home at all.

I'm somebody who can absorb a lot.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Your sins are what make you fantastic. It’s what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you’ll never see the same show twice, because I don’t like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

I started out in this industry with standup comedy and it got me to the movies, but it’s something I love to do and it’s something I’m enjoying coming back to.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.

People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.

I didn't apply to different schools. I wasn't really sure what I was going to do.

I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, "Blue goes with everything."

I’m dangerously close to getting what I want. Feels a bit weird.

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.