Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 522

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.

I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the last one left.

I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym.

False hope really makes you cynical.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

Henry Ford, who despite his immense wealth never owned a Cadillac. Never got a dinner!

Ponce de Leon, who said when he discovered the Fountain of Youth, "Where the hell are the paper cups?" Never got a dinner!

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

We've had some fun tonight... considering we're all gonna die someday.

At some point I stopped stand-up because I didn't have something to say on a nightly basis.

The Bible’s too wordy. The 10 Commandments are a load of shit. You don’t need all these things. The Bible should be one sheet of paper, and on that sheet of paper it should say: ‘Try not to be a cunt.’

I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.

I believe in divine forces and energies.

Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people do too. Oh, we made the cover. But any press is good press. Right ? As long as they spell your name right. So now the whole world is gonna read about... Tatus High Performance. Tatus. Great.