Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 522

I think pimp, therefore I am.

Have you ever watched footage of the destruction caused by hurricanes in America? When a big wind sweeps across America, there isn't a building left standing. And you can't help thinking: the Southern states of America must have been built by the first two little piggies.

Rip as we know is vastly experienced and funnier than I think anyone knew. The show really reveals him to be a brilliant comedic actor.

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

Regis and I were inducted into the original Bronx Walk of Fame.

I always thought marketing in general was an interesting kind of thing. I always liked commercials and billboards.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

I rented a movie and I put it in the DVD player and before the movie starts, it says, “this film has been modified to fit your television.” Can you imagine if it wasn’t? All you’d see is like a knuckle.

CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y’know what CNN? I’m turning you on because I don’t know the news. I was hoping you could help me.

Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.

Men want to make women happy.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

"Yo, yo, hear me out" is rarely ever followed by a reasonable, well articulated argument.

I was worried if I got my driver’s license I’d start winning all the NASCAR races.