Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 522
The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
I just knew it was time to leave that thing where it was. Even though I still occasionally think about it, I still think I did it the right way. It was the correct type of ending. By which I mean it came a little sooner than people were expecting...was such a wonderful experience for me. It wasn't even the thing I thought I was going to have a talent for. I just fell in with the perfect group of people and everything about it was sort of miraculous.
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
How do you come back? It's one step at a time. I'm optimistic because I don't know what else to be.
Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball-gown.
We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.
I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.
The stream-of-consciousness style is my monkey trick. I sit there, I watch stuff, and cultural references bump into my head.
My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
I have short-term memory loss, though I like to think of it as Presidential eligibility.
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.