Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 526

That's your little joke? Don't worry! We'll mop it up later.

I was very driven as a boy scout. Very driven. Driven everywhere I was.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

I'm often asked, 'What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted The Tonight Show?' I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames' infamous 'Tomahawk Toss' that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment.

I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.

The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.

Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!"

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

I have no detectable hair style.

I remember the day I saw my hair was thinning. I don't remember caring much. I don't care. It's just hair. It never bothered me much. I was pretty young, too. And it happened and is happening very slowly. I have a feeling dead people get really mad when we complain about losing hair.

Why are there interstates in Hawaii?

If you ever got too drunk to fish, you might be a redneck.

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.

If you want to do anything, you got to go do it. Perform a lot, write a lot, make yourself better. Use the Internet, make videos, create content.