Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 526

I live in L.A. Now.

I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.

I’m left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from overseas wants to blow up their wedding, that’s when I’m right.

Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.

I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and overlooking the dump I'm living in.

I've always thought that if my death was imminent, I would read. When I can't focus on a book, I tend to keep reading the same page. My guess is, I would've read, like the first page of Nicholas Nickleby over and over again.

If you’re a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.

My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it.'

If you ever got too drunk to fish, you might be a redneck.

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'

Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn’t get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I’m doing jazz. That’s kinda cool because jazz is cool, but sometimes jazz sucks… Maybe I’m the Kenny G of comedy.

I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.