Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 526

Hip doesn't really come into play anymore as far as I can tell.

If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

When you see the handwriting on the wall, your in the toilet.

To me, art supplies are always okay to buy.

The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

Jason Alexander is a committed actor, he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing.

Bush looked straight into the camera and said 'We must preserve the sanctity of marriage!' You know, straight people are doing such a fucking great job.

My swag is always capital and live in north Virginia.

If you drink, don’t drive. Or if you do, at least try to crash into some asshole in a Corvette or something.

I wanna say something about my baby, Aimee. The IRS says I have to; I pay her $20,000 as a writer.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.

What makes Teflon stick to the pan?

We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.

On Thanksgiving, I visit the hospital and deep fry turkeys for the kids in the burn unit, just to see the looks on their "faces."