Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 543
I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.
For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
Barack's in office; it feels good to be black now. When O.J. was in court it did not feel good to be black. People like, 'Are you black?' I'm like, 'I'm Creole, get out of my face.'
Just be your authentic self because there's nothing sexier or more beautiful than that.
I don't drink, and I don't do drugs, but I'll take a pill. I'll take any pill, you know what I mean? 'Cause pills can't hurt me! 'Cause they're made by companies.
And even though this marker smelt like an asshole and you just saw Jesus's eyes, there was still a kid following you around. "Can I smell? Can I smell? What does it smell? I didn't get a..." "Can I..." And then he would aggravate you until you were like "Here, fine, smell it!" And when he leaned in, you go "A-ha-ha-ha-ha, nice face!" "I'm going to go puke blood! What are you? What are you?!"
I find it ironic that people who are against things that cause sexual thoughts are generally fundamentalist Christians who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply.
What's that? My six song album entitled "Bo Fo Sho" is currently available on iTunes? With three songs that have never been heard on the internet? Uh, and if I try to pirate it for free I'll get AIDS? I would have guessed scurvy. Well, see you later ghost of Dr.Martin Luther King Jr.
If we were truly created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?
Some authors write in first person and others write in third person. But I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: 'I heard from this guy who told somebody....'
When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important.