Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 543
The thing I love about Vegas is that it's a melting pot. It's like working Ellis Island.
The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.
All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake’s career.
I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
Sometimes when jokes fall flat, you feel so alone. You’re like, “Well, I thought this was funny.” Sometimes you can feel really lonely.
My wife and I have five children; the reason we have five children is because we do not want six.
It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me.
Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away.
People kill me about being a big guy. They always asking me dumb questions… Every time I breathe in, they’re like, “Why you breathing so hard?’ “So I can live!”
The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.
And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?
Men would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both - or even worse, cry and yell at us.