Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 543
I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.
That disturbs people when they know they didn't have the guts or integrity to stick to their dreams.
I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
Well, there's no credible link between Iraq and al Qaeda. There's no credible link between Iraq and 9/11.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
No, even when you're making fun of people in this business, they want to take credit for it. That's how big the egos are.
Saint Christopher, who said, "Where can I get a Frank Sinatra medal?" Never got a dinner!
We are not warriors in anyone's army. And that is not trying to be self-deprecating. I'm proud of what we do. I really like these two shows. I like making 'em. I like watching them. I'm really proud of them. But I understand their place. I don't view us as people who lead social movements.
I'm feeling very vindicated that, when I see the audiences laughing and being moved, we were right.
When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.
I just knew it was time to leave that thing where it was. Even though I still occasionally think about it, I still think I did it the right way. It was the correct type of ending. By which I mean it came a little sooner than people were expecting...was such a wonderful experience for me. It wasn't even the thing I thought I was going to have a talent for. I just fell in with the perfect group of people and everything about it was sort of miraculous.
I went up to the camp and Paul had me eat my first oyster I had never had an oyster in my life. And he convinced me to eat one. And it was horrible and it was exciting. And I thought, this will be gross and I'll have a story: I had my first oyster with Paul Newman.