Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 543

The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy for yourself and yourself.

I tour the South, though, I do. I love touring the South. Some people up North are afraid of the South, it's weird. I'll do a show in, like, Alabama. I'll tell someone I did a show in Alabama and they'll be like, "Oh my God! What was that like?" Oh, you know, chairs, a microphone. Oh, I'm sorry, I know what you're looking for. I'll tell you what it was like. Well, I flew into Birmingham. The Imperial Wizard from the Klan picked me up at the airport. Rode to the club on the back of an old mule. Tried to get a joke out over the shouts of "jewboy go home." At the end of the night I go "Where's my check?" They go, "You're not gettin' a check. You're gettin' this bag of porkrinds." Is that the answer you were looking for, you narrow-minded fake-liberal fuck?

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

You might be a redneck if you think subdivision is part of a math problem.

To love is to risk not to be loved in return.

My career and life are over, and I have nothing to live for.

The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.

He looks and talks like he just fell off Edgar Bergen's lap.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.

The economy in Ireland has been rampaging ahead for the last 15 years. Barring an international, political or natural catastrophe, things can only get better for the Irish.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

I quit because I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it - like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging.

I was a typical kid. I dug holes in the yard, threw rocks, had plum battles with the neighbours and used trash can lids as shields. I was always outside getting dirty.

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.