Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 559

I never thought I'd see the day that I would see white folks as frightened, or more so, than black folks was during the civil rights movement when we was in Mississippi.

Occasionally I'll watch Fox News for as long as I can tolerate it, or CNN. I'll watch until I get infuriated, but you got to know what they're talking about and what they're not talking about.

Nostalgia is heroin for old people.

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

I just got punked by a homeless man, he asked me 4 some $ so I gave him $5..this bitch had the nerve 2 say "WTF am I suppose 2 do with this" I then said "Get sumthin 2 eat" he then said "I don't want 2 eat no fucking fast food shit, that shit will have me shitting on the streets"

I have to satisfy my audience.

Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.

I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.

If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.

I think religion is bad and drugs are good.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time.