Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 559
My mom's always saying really smart things... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one.
The only way I would go back to hosting would be if it were something entirely new. It would prevent me from wanting to host a standard-fare kind of talk show.
Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
I didn’t realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents… my dad told me “you’re good; you should be a computer programmer.” I said, “You’re bad… you should be a caveman”
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
Fish don't blink. Which is the main eye defence. If you're ever trying to get the eye out of a fish and it blinks... it may be a lion.
The old days were the old days. And they were great days. But now is now.
Saint Christopher, who said, "Where can I get a Frank Sinatra medal?" Never got a dinner!
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.
Some of you are just lying! There's no way you would let your woman freely see your phone.