Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 559
I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.
If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.
The only two places you'll ever hear 'Would you like whipped cream on that?' are a whorehouse and Starbucks.
My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, "You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you."
There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.
They put me in Special Ed because they thought I was slow, but I stayed in Special Ed for the ladies.
(to the French) You lot will never have the pleasure of coming home as a 14 year old boy, thinking you’re only getting beans on toast and then going “oh hello, there’s little sausages in their”.
I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
P equals the amount of pizza there is. Divided by me plus my friends. Which always comes out to one less than the amount of slices I want to eat. And that equals… bullshit.
Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.
My friends come and ask me "Is it worth it?" I say well shit it better be, I did this shit on purpose!
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes reportedly sleep in separate bedrooms of their mansion, because Tom snores. They also have their own bathrooms... in case Katie has to get up in the middle of the night and ask Tom’s permission to pee.
Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball-gown.