Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 573

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?'

[No Longer Attractive to Young Girls] I'm just saying, 'Hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile, cute t-shirt? Look at me.' Nothing -- unless it's a turn to their friends to go, 'Hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?'

I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.

My mom's always saying really smart things... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one.

That's right, "tell your mama", "tell your mama", "tell your mama" … nobody tells daddy shit!

I'm supposed to be all re-injected with yes-we-can fever after the big health care speech, and it was a great speech - when Black Elvis gets jiggy with his teleprompter, there is none better. But here's the thing: Muhammad Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.

We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and the first one to cover the other one wins.

I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the "Donate it to charity" slice. "I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'"

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

I made the mistake early in my career, when I moved to Hollywood, of being attracted to actresses. I used to go out exclusively with actresses and other female impersonators.

Did you ever try to sleep sober?

Simon Peter, who embarrassed the other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds." Never got a dinner!

I did fuck a midget once. It's true. Cos I had the opportunity after a show. How could you not, just one time, just to see.