Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 573
Oh man, I get a lot of junk email. Isn't it annoying? Clutters everything up. I'm starting to sense a theme, though. Apparently, there's a lot of people out there that want to make my penis three inches longer.
I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry.
I like New York. This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, 'Hey, that's mine. Don't pee on that.'
Judge Judy went to the hospital because she was having intestinal troubles. Turns out, she hates her own guts.
My friend’s really into similes. He uses a lot of similes. He’s like annoying.
From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street.
You might be a redneck if you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.
You know your heavy metal band's going to suck when you've got a clarinet player.
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"