Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 573

Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

Find out who you are and figure out what you believe in. Even if it's different from what your neighbors believe in and different from what your parents believe in. Stay true to yourself. Have your own opinion. Don't worry about what people say about you or think about you. Let the naysayers nay. They will eventually grow tired of naying.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.

One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. That's how you know it didn't go as you planned.

Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don’t do meth, but maybe if they called meth ‘Stefanie’ I would!

There's a shift of sarcasm in the way I say everything.

Sometimes you forget you're famous. You wonder, Why is that person staring at me?

For me, standup will always be some part of my life, and other things will move around and find their place.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."

I still have drive, but everything is relative.

The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

Riding a Ducati is like having sex with an aerobics instructor - you know, I'm exhausted and panting and it's going: 'Are you done, already?'