Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 576
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.
Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.
Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.
You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.
Nobody ever celebrates the "Why me?!" God blaming terminally ill. We should, if only for the contrast they provide.
Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
Which is, I'm an optimist that two people can be together to work out their conflicts. And that commitment, I think, might be what love is, because they both grow from their relationship.
You might be a redneck if you know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
No woman can be completely happy at any one moment in time. They're always anticipating the next thing to argue or complain about.
Some people are against porno and I say, “Hey, whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that’s their business.”
I hope that nothing ever wussifies me to deny my own personal beliefs. Brainwashed wussies have been taught that standing up for yourself and defending your personal point of view makes you a close-minded hate monger. One must also be respectful of dissenting belief while supporting their own.
I’ve got keys to crap I’ve never owned. You put all my keys together I could be a high school janitor tonight.
I made the mistake early in my career, when I moved to Hollywood, of being attracted to actresses. I used to go out exclusively with actresses and other female impersonators.