Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 576

I read this on the Internet - did you know that 4th of July is more popular in this country than in any other country in the whole world?

They waited until I was 20 to tell me I was adopted, and then last Christmas, they told me they were kidding.

I like doing a bunch of different things, being all over the place.

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

My favorite show of all time has to be Charlie’s Angels… My hair was so feathered, that the back of my head looked like a butt.

I want to do well and I want to fit in.

I started acting at the University of Michigan in my sophomore year.

I wanted to be the best that I could be, first for myself, then for an audience. I love to see a smile on somebody's face... If I can tell someone a story that makes them bend over and laugh, that's bigger than anything else.

And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else's, I'm happy to do it.

I went to see one of those X-rated pictures the other night, and I couldn't believe my eyes. So I stayed to see it a second time.

The Mars rover Curiosity has sent back images of some odd things on the surface of Mars, and some people think they could be UFOs. Here's my question. If we're on the surface of Mars, aren't we the UFO?

It's tough, but I try to wait until the second date before I bring up my dead girlfriends.

Every time a man's being nice to women, he's offering you dick.

You are not a nerd you're just an asshole with glasses on.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.