Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 576
I'm fascinated by mankind. I grew up watching 'Candid Camera' and thought it was funnier than any standup, any joke, anything that could possibly be written because you're dealing with humanity. And people can relate to that. It touches everybody who sees it. It hits a nerve.
The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.
IRS officials calling you acting like you owe them the money personally! I don’t owe you shit! This is between me and the company!
I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success".
I went to see one of those X-rated pictures the other night, and I couldn't believe my eyes. So I stayed to see it a second time.
Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.
The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.
I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said it over and over again!
My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used to think my dad got divorced because he wanted new furniture. At one point in my life, all we had left was a wooden box, a 12" black-and-white TV, and a four-man rubber raft for a couch. And yet, I was the coolest kid in third grade. "Mom, can we have a sleepover in Christopher Titus' house? They have a raft in the living room! We can row to breakfast in the morning. I can actually be Captain Crunch!"
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!