Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 576
The simple fact is, you've got to view this war like we've been on a long family car ride. Bush is the father and he's been screaming 'don't make me come back there!' for around 200 miles now and it just reached the point where we had to pull the car over and the bad kid is going to get the spanking of his life.
You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple, or green." Uh, hold on now: purple or green?! You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocating, then help 'em.
The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.
Thanks to the notion of dysfunction, every zipperhead in this country can tap himself with a Freudian wand and go from failed frog to misunderstood prince.
I hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited. Kind of an awkward press conference for my parents. "Officer, do you have any leads?" "Well, based on Mr. Finnegan's computer entries, we think he was abducted by Sorority Sluts."
The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.
A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.
I’ve always wanted to be a writer. Always been very creative. I always laughed at things that the rest of my family would sort of get angry, like not understand.
Uh-oh, Steven called the fuzz! "Bad boys, bad boys... whatcha gonna do?"
I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities. I like to call them "places to put stuff." Do you know where I can store a pea? Yes, I have some locations available.
Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.
I don't like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can't figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies.
When you’re pregnant, people feel like they can come up and give you unsolicited advice. When I was nine months pregnant, this one woman came up and she said, "I have one word for you: epidural." And I was like, "Oh my God, thanks. But we already picked a name."