Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 576

For me, standup will always be some part of my life, and other things will move around and find their place.

I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

I want to be able to go into a room of aliens and be funny. I don’t care who it is. I don’t ever want to limit myself to a type of comedy because I don’t want to be stuck. I want to be able to make anybody laugh and that’s the key for me.

You might be a redneck if you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

Julius Caesar’s wife, who said to Julius, "We are not naming our son Sid!" Never got a dinner!

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

"A national day of prayer"? Does that scare the spine out of anyone? Especially when you consider that it's all those dog-shit religions that start these fucking wars to begin with. Ninety percent of every war that's ever been fought is because of some made-up, mind control, completely fictional religion.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If there’s anyone out there involved in illegal movie piracy... don't do it. Take a good look at these people. These are the people you're stealing from. Look at them! Face what you've done! There are women here who can barely afford enough gown to cover their breasts.

I love Costas. He's knows too much, but he's a good guy.

I am 65, my friends say I look 55, I feel 45, I'll settle for 35, and you make me feel 25!

For this being the holiday season everyone at the mall is pissed. Time to shop online.

I went up to the camp and Paul had me eat my first oyster I had never had an oyster in my life. And he convinced me to eat one. And it was horrible and it was exciting. And I thought, this will be gross and I'll have a story: I had my first oyster with Paul Newman.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.