Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 577

There's one of those adverts that sort of says 'There are more germs on your chopping board than on your loo seat.' To which the answer is, 'well clearly that's fine, then.'

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think…is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate to?

"A national day of prayer"? Does that scare the spine out of anyone? Especially when you consider that it's all those dog-shit religions that start these fucking wars to begin with. Ninety percent of every war that's ever been fought is because of some made-up, mind control, completely fictional religion.

Listen, I know what I like, and I know you know what I like, because you were trained to know what I like, but I would like to know, what do you like?

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"

Don't give up your power.

Sadly, the worst audience I ever had were my parents.

A sold-out house my first night back. Do you have any idea what kinda pressure that is? I could have been at home in my warm bed, playing Nintendo.

The problem with dating a model is they won’t go out with you if your cars color doesn’t match their outfit.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".