Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 577
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
My girlfriend is pregnant. She asked me if we should have it and I said yes. We should have it cremated.
It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.
When I'm late it matters, but when everybody else is late it doesn't matter... If that's the rule then just write it down and then I know, you know... I'll read it and I'll write it down on my balls. Right here. Right here on the back of my balls is where I'll write it. On the very back. I'll just lift them and write it nicely.
But to do it professionally is a quantum leap difference and my father had to be persuaded by these kind of Ivy League professors that I should go to the Yale Drama School, another one of the stories in there.
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
I've always had something in my heart where I root for guys who struggle with women.
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
When you do comedy to troops you stay on an army base, but in Bahrain you could actually leave the base and go to the downtown Bahrain. When you go out there they're like, 'Look, it's safe just don't draw attention to yourself. Don't wear American t-shirts and stuff.' And you're like, 'All right that's fine, no American t-shirts. So what are you going to do about the white on my skin?'
I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes.
While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.