Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 577

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

There's one of those adverts that sort of says 'There are more germs on your chopping board than on your loo seat.' To which the answer is, 'well clearly that's fine, then.'

I always get nervous with that one test. "Tell me the exact moment point A is directly over point B." "Now! No, now! Now! Then! I don't know I don't know." I'm afraid if I get it off by an eighth of a second I'll get these big, hubble coming attraction glasses. "You must have messed up that A B test!" "Did I ever! Hence the corrective spectacles."

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

I love my jokes.

When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

In our day we went from - we went into saloons. We couldn't cross over like you can today, get a television series and all of a sudden you're a major movie star, you know.

I don't believe in karma.

Julius Caesar’s wife, who said to Julius, "We are not naming our son Sid!" Never got a dinner!

You say you're sick and tired of hearing about me? I've got news for you: I'm sick and tired of hearing about me.

All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows there's no substitute for support, encouragement, or a pit crew.

Oh, I can't do it right now; I'm busy, I'm busy, too.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Don’t blame your failure on haters. If everyone thinks you suck, they’re not haters. They’re right.

I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.