Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 577

Yeah I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow.

Yeah, I’ve been a little down. Totally natural. I’m getting a divorce, but now I’m ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.

I know how to do anything, I'm a mom.

John Kerry made a mistake of saying something embarrassing while a microphone was on. And now he's been backpedaling. So now he's hired a guy and his sole job is to make sure John Kerry's microphone is off. It's the same guy that used to watch Clinton's fly.

There's a plastic bag whirling around in the wind. Is it a bag full of shit?

Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.

I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.

My favorite holiday is Co-dependency Day.

If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything that's alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in?

I’m for capital punishment. You’ve got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?

Find out who you are and figure out what you believe in. Even if it's different from what your neighbors believe in and different from what your parents believe in. Stay true to yourself. Have your own opinion. Don't worry about what people say about you or think about you. Let the naysayers nay. They will eventually grow tired of naying.

Civil Rights: What black folks are given in the U.S. on the installment plan, as in civil-rights bills. Not to be confused with human rights, which are the dignity, stature, humanity, respect, and freedom belonging to all people by right of their birth.

There are a lot of questions I keep asking myself about why I do comedy. I guess I laugh to keep from crying. And I guess if you ever get me crying, I might not stop. This is the way I look at tragedy or else I'll cry.

I've never been one to sit back and go, "I'd better do what the audience wants me to do, because I don't want to lose them."

I would say just in general, in life, I'm more willing to be animated as a person, and so obviously onstage as well.