Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 577
A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn’t figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.
All I can think of are her poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film… in a Marriott hotel.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
If you eat a lot of spicy food, you can damage your sense of taste. When I was in Mexico last year, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
"A national day of prayer"? Does that scare the spine out of anyone? Especially when you consider that it's all those dog-shit religions that start these fucking wars to begin with. Ninety percent of every war that's ever been fought is because of some made-up, mind control, completely fictional religion.
That's the beauty of being a comedian - it's the one job you're allowed to do that. We're lucky. We're really lucky.
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"
Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.