Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 575

My feeling is this whole country is founded on the principle of "if you are not hurting anyone, and you're not fucking with someone else's shit, and you are paying your taxes, you should be able to just do what you want to do." It's the freedom and the independence.

Are any terrorists listening to this podcast? Are ya? In a fuckin' cave right now jerkin' off to your 72 virgins or whatever the hell they're promising ya. First of all, they're not there. When ya die, ya go in the ground. Okay? That's where you're goin'. So what ya wanna do is ya wanna try to stay alive. Ya know? Meet yourself a cute fuckin' lady. Have a cookout. Ride a bicycle; feel the wind in your fuckin' hair... or in your beard. Ya know? Whata ya doin'?

You probably won’t get laid at your prom. Try, because this may be one of the last chances…where it’s cool to have sex with a high school girl.

I always get nervous with that one test. "Tell me the exact moment point A is directly over point B." "Now! No, now! Now! Then! I don't know I don't know." I'm afraid if I get it off by an eighth of a second I'll get these big, hubble coming attraction glasses. "You must have messed up that A B test!" "Did I ever! Hence the corrective spectacles."

My friend’s really into similes. He uses a lot of similes. He’s like annoying.

I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes.

I'm cool with failing so long as I know that there are people around me that love me unconditionally.

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think…is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate to?

Julius Caesar’s wife, who said to Julius, "We are not naming our son Sid!" Never got a dinner!

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

My generation is under-entertained.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"

Oh, I can't do it right now; I'm busy, I'm busy, too.

Don’t blame your failure on haters. If everyone thinks you suck, they’re not haters. They’re right.

Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which, of course, in German means a whale's vagina.