Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 575
Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
No woman can be completely happy at any one moment in time. They're always anticipating the next thing to argue or complain about.
Some people are against porno and I say, “Hey, whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that’s their business.”
I’ve got keys to crap I’ve never owned. You put all my keys together I could be a high school janitor tonight.
I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.
Moses, who said to the Israelites, "Stop calling me Charlton!" Never got a dinner!
If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
I'm cool with failing so long as I know that there are people around me that love me unconditionally.
The greatest missile in the world is useless... unless it's targeted. A torpedo is adrift unless it has someplace to go. An arrow is pointless unless it hits something. So it's important for kids - for everyone, even if you fail at first - to target something and head in that direction. With all your might.