Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 575

There are many different kinds of assholes in the world. But there's one particular kind of asshole that you see at the airport that's so annoying, and that is the person that is dressed like the destination to which it is they are flying. Do you know what I'm saying? The people that wear what they think the native costume of the land is that their going to. We're going to Denver, and I swear to you, this motherfucker had a parka made of bears.

I don't drink, and I don't do drugs, but I'll take a pill. I'll take any pill, you know what I mean? 'Cause pills can't hurt me! 'Cause they're made by companies.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

C'mon cab driver, enough with the hard braking! I'm trying to make love back here.

Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America, you're annoying..."

If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything that's alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in?

My iPod holds 3,000 albums. I own, like, 90 albums. My iPod sits at home, sullen, frustrated, and underused, like a wife who gave up her career and the kids turned out to be shite.

I think human arrogance will be the demise of civilization.

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

Don't drink on weekends either... if you are gonna feel like shit tomorrow, drink Sunday through Thursday.

I try to connect with the everyday, every guy.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

I recently attended a pro-drug rally... in my basement.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, "Booty - mmm mmm."

Whenever I meet a doctor, I like to pull them aside and say, "You're a doctor, right? Can you get me some... AIDS medicine?"