Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 575

So they bother you with it, they bother you with it, they bother you with it. Finally you say, "Gimme the damn present." You open it up and it's dumb. Lucky for you, now you got a couple days, take it back to the store, get something else, so when your mother comes over she don't see you're still married to an idiot!

I really don't like art with a message. If you have a message that really needs to be said, just fucking say it.

But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone.

War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells 'OIL.'

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

Haiku sounds like I'm saying hi to someone named Ku. Hi, Ku. Hello.

I never write jokes, I just try to make myself laugh.

When exactly did Ted Kennedy become Jabba the Hutt? He's not a macy's day float! Bring him down it's time for elections!

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: "If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied." I said: "Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband."

I'm cool with failing so long as I know that there are people around me that love me unconditionally.

You might be a redneck if you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

Billy Carter, who asked his brother Jimmy, "Do you think you could get me on the Gong Show?" Never got a dinner!

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"

Found a fragrance called Vixen. Guess they can't name them after the people who actually wear them. Nobody's going to buy Secretary.