Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 575

There's one of those adverts that sort of says 'There are more germs on your chopping board than on your loo seat.' To which the answer is, 'well clearly that's fine, then.'

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being "too farfetched".

All I can think of are her poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film… in a Marriott hotel.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

The economy in Ireland has been rampaging ahead for the last 15 years. Barring an international, political or natural catastrophe, things can only get better for the Irish.

I don't like surgery. I don't like elective surgery, I don't like surgery that you have to have.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

I'm cool with failing so long as I know that there are people around me that love me unconditionally.

My generation is under-entertained.

I love being a dad. I just love it.

That's the beauty of being a comedian - it's the one job you're allowed to do that. We're lucky. We're really lucky.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"