Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 601
You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.
If he's stuck with the shrew, I hope he screws everything that's not tied down.
From the minute we're born, boys and girls stare at each other, trying to figure out if they like what they see. Like parade lines, passing each other for mutual inspection. You march, you look. You march, you look. If you're interested, you stop and talk, and if it doesn't work out, you just get back in the parade. You keep marching, and you keep looking.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest – most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.
You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they're coming up with ideas that these people haven't thought of themselves.
It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.
I'm not against ratings per se. I think more information is always good. But I certainly don't think the government has to step in and set guidelines for how shows should be rated.
Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
See, I had some drugs and shit right now, I wouldn't give a fuck. But I'd come off stage, and I still wouldn't give a fuck. Then, by the time you're 50, a lotta 'no-givin-a-fuck', you missed part your life.