Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 601
Nonetheless, I put the phone down feeling guilty. I mean, I picked it up feeling guilty, I feel perpetually guilty, but I put it down feeling guiltier.
How did Dr. Drew become the only psychologist who appears on tv. Did he sign an exclusive with CNN?
Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it.
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.
After spending the last 15 years guest hosting, I couldn’t be happier to get the opportunity to host my own show! I’m looking forward to talking sports, connecting with listeners, and interviewing amazing guests every day, while being a part of the FOX Sports Radio family. It was worth the wait.
Socrates was killed… by his own people. He was! Coz he questioned everything… ‘When is a house a house?’ ‘Just chill-out will you?’ ‘If I’m out of the house am I chilling-out? Am I chilling-in if I’m in the house? Ugg, ahhh.’ ‘What is a sword? Is it made of folded metal?' 'If I die on the floor can I get up in these heels?’
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
I most resemble Benjamin Button. I evolve. I attach myself to the heartbeat of whatever is going on at that particular time, or I just chart a new path.
If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?
Women like jewelry. They’re like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they’ll follow you home.