Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 601

I don't feel an obligation to give everyone a hard time, but when they're important people, it's fun.

The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.

If he's stuck with the shrew, I hope he screws everything that's not tied down.

The world can't tell you who you are. You've just got to figure out who you are and be there, for better or worse.

Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.

I love Costas. He's knows too much, but he's a good guy.

If someone was to introduce hope and idealism into our political system, I think the tension that would create in other areas would certainly be ripe. You would think that if you bring oxygen to the organism, the organism lives. But there may be other organisms in there that thrive in darkness and in a more anaerobic environment. Watching those creatures writhe will always be interesting.

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, "Hey, can you keep a secret?" I say "That's none of your business."

When I was a kid I did impressions and funny voices a lot. When I was telling a story I would use the voices to make it more entertaining.

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?

There was a guy last week back East who shot his wife at a Domestic Violence Center. I think he misunderstood the sign.

If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.

I'm an ordinary guy with an extraordinary job.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have spent my life paying attention to my art form, developing my art form, worrying about my show and what I'm bringing to people, making sure that I give them a fine trade.