Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 601

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I try to be me to the utmost.

Bambi, to a kid, was scary.

Not only do I sing to him, I sing entire conversations. You become Jerry Lewis.

I want to be able to go into a room of aliens and be funny. I don’t care who it is. I don’t ever want to limit myself to a type of comedy because I don’t want to be stuck. I want to be able to make anybody laugh and that’s the key for me.

I got a boy that was married, been married for six years - videotaped his wedding day, never watched it. Six years later, now he watches it every day, but he watches it in reverse. I asked him. He said, 'I love seeing myself take that ring back off her fuckin' finger.'

I don't feel an obligation to give everyone a hard time, but when they're important people, it's fun.

The world can't tell you who you are. You've just got to figure out who you are and be there, for better or worse.

Scattergories is second base for Christians.

When I trip, I feel like that’s the world saying "come here for a second." It just pulls me closer for a second, "yeah what do you want?" "I just want to remind you that you’re uncoordinated." "I’m aware of that, thank you... can I go now?" "Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me." "Ok, world, see you later." "Yeah, I’ll see you in about 50 years."

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

I like doing new material in LA. It's very challenging.

We're having one of those babies soon. I'm really excited about it because it's probably my first kid.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.