Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 601

You might be a redneck if fewer than half of your cars run.

I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

My kids are growing up and it's hard to accept they are their own person and they're independent.

Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something.

I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.

I guess I am a true narcissist. I convinced my dog to walk me.

A tank is made to drive and shoot with a turn that spins at 360 degrees. Do you know what that is? That's a drive-by!

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.