Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 793

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?

How the hell do you wake up dead?

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is fresh! I will do well to shop here'. You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a poo shop! Everything in here is themed on poo!

People go like 'Jews are cheap' *indian accent* No, that is very incorrect, I AM cheap. Jews are thrifty. BIGGGGG difference!

You know, making a movie is a collaborative effort and sometimes all the ingredients don’t work out. I know that every now and again I am going to make a movie that won’t work.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I don't know that I would need to be famous as a Middle East policy expert to see that unilateral imperialism is bad policy.

I've hung out in the writer's room a few times, but the fact is we've got such a good writing staff, I don't want to get my peanut butter fingerprints on anything.

A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.

You don't have to have 14 committees and studios weighing in. Its really just you.

Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.

I’m on that diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That’s a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver’s license.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.