Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 793

It's never just a game when you're winning.

In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who "don't know." What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.

To avoid conflict, agree with everything your signicant other says, no matter how moronic, until eventually you feel guilt-free breaking up.

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My bad!".

There are no rules. Just follow your heart.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

My horoscope was so depressing today, it included a list of poisons.

A new child in the house is a huge tourist attraction. It's like Disneyland, except there the lines are longer and no one brings casseroles.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.

I wish I was a book. She could pick me up, flip through my pages. Make sure nobody drew wieners in me.

The monkey on my back is me.

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

So she viewed time spent in the land of the normal as an investigation into the world of marriage-worthy men, even if she was unsure about her own interest in marriage. There must be one solid citizen who also had a spark of life, a sense of humor and adventure.

My mother was an authority on pigsties. This is the worst looking pigsty I've ever seen in my life.