Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 793

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

We do not believe, had he been white, that he would be dead. And when we black folks say to America that we're not going to tolerate it, it's going to stop.

It's an honor to walk in the footsteps of a legend. As host I intend to honor the tradition of The Bob Hope Classic and have a great time blazing a new path.

If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.

I don’t believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I’ll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don’t want to hear the introduction ‘you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show’.

This isn’t a bra, it’s body armor. And this isn’t make up, it’s war paint.

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

But at the same time that the experience is pulling you apart, it's also bonding you. You have this joint venture! You both made this baby. And that's the thing I still can't get over.

I said, “That’s an unusual name. You don’t hear that everyday.”

Anything that has cynicism to it and that's jaded is smutty.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

The legendary Dick Van Dyke on the show tonight. The actor not the pubic beard style. Although... maybe it's time for something new.