Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 793

When something is "new and improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

People who say things like "My eyes aren't what they used to be." So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

Anything that has cynicism to it and that's jaded is smutty.

Julie Christie was absolutely amazing in Away From Her. Brilliant movie. It was the moving story of a woman who forgets her own husband. Hillary Clinton calls it the feel good movie of the year.

To avoid conflict, agree with everything your signicant other says, no matter how moronic, until eventually you feel guilt-free breaking up.

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'

I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.

I'm from a little place called England ... We used to run the world before you.

I come around when you least expect me! I'm sitting at the bar when your glass is empty!

According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.