Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 798

Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.

This weekend, Pam Anderson tied the knot with Rick Salomon in Las Vegas. The minister who married them said, ‘Is there anyone here who believes this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony?’ And then he raised his hand.

Man can not live by bread alone... he must have peanut butter.

You know, a TV show is a slow build.

I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages. That’s a lot of coloring when you think about it.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Life is a myth. Death is real. Orgasms rule.

I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.

Look at you, you're handsome... ish.

Whenever someone says they believe the earth was created in 7 days, I grab a fossil and say, "Fossil." And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their heads.

Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet...

I had a gig in Maidstone very early on. The venue doesn’t exist anymore – hopefully it burnt down. One doesn’t like to generalise but, well, they were all sub-human.

One of these days I'm going to bite you and I'm gonna get very, very sick.

She’s a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

I became vegan because I saw footage of what really goes on in the slaughterhouses and on the dairy farms.