Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 798

I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages. That’s a lot of coloring when you think about it.

If you think the last four words to the national anthem are "gentleman, start your engines", you might be a redneck.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, Well that taught me a lesson.

Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet...

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

YouTube is a place for people to share their ideas. If by people you mean 13 year old girls and by ideas you mean how they love the Jonas Brothers.

We're the greatest country on Earth except when it comes to getting shit done.

Hey man. It's me again. I was just taking a whizz. Thought you might have called. Okay, later.

A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work.

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

I tend to stay up late, not because I'm partying but because it's the only time of the day when I'm alone and don't have to be performing.

I had sex recently. I took out the box of condoms. She takes the box from my hand, looks at it and goes, “Hey Todd, good choice.” Good choice. Now I didn’t expect her to be a virgin, but this is no time to show brand loyalty.

The first time you see a vagina you’re like, “It’s brilliant.” But it’s actually terrifying. It looks exactly like Rio Ferdinand’s smile.