Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 798

When my friends and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My bad!".

John and I were gay together once... Wait, that's not true. He was gay and I just laid there. Thank you, John, for giving me your heiny last night.

If nobody is clear on what you're protesting, it's not a protest. Thousands of people gathered in London this week to voice their disapproval of the G-20. Their basic message being, "Stop all your globalizing and unite the world!"

Some dead people said smart stuff.

People say I've changed and I tell em that I'm glad 'cause I don't wanna stay the same.

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

You’re an idiot. What you think an African family wakes up and there’s a little goat with a ribbon tied round it? And they go, ‘Oh look what Santa brought us!

If someone took the ‘F’ letter off me, I’d be ucked.

If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?

Some people say kissing is more intimate than sex... I guess, if you’re kissing someone’s butt hole.