Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 81
Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers? Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really good point, they should... fix that. It's good to know that somebody finally gets me!
I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I discovered–I need a girlfriend. ‘Cause that Discovery Channel is the most boring shit I’ve ever seen in my life, and the more of it you watch, the less chance you ever have of meeting a woman, cause it fills your head full of odd facts that come out at any moment like Tourette’s Syndrome. I’m talking to a girl: “hi, how ya doin’. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? Much like the sea otter. Where are you going? Come back!”
You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.'
Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit... unnatural?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Haven’t you noticed that every time the government fucks up McDonald’s has a new sandwich?
Marijuana brownies are amazing. Very simple to make, too. Just get some Duncan Hines brownie mix and cook the weed right in there. Drop it right in with the butter. I don’t know who came up with this idea first, but it’s sheer genius.
I was always the class clown, although many teachers view the class clown as a trouble maker. But I always had good grades, so the only thing my parents were told was that while I was intelligent, I talked too much.
Celebrities are just normal, screwed up people like everyone else who just don't know who you are. You're just as important.
Weed is from tha earth. God put this here for me and you. Take advantage man, take advantage!
We were standing next to this guy with a bandana and a tattooed teardrop and a knife, and I said to my friend, 'I don't want to hang out here.' My friend said, 'Don't judge people.' I said, 'The dude's got a knife.' He said, 'He could be a chef.'