Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 81
I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I discovered–I need a girlfriend. ‘Cause that Discovery Channel is the most boring shit I’ve ever seen in my life, and the more of it you watch, the less chance you ever have of meeting a woman, cause it fills your head full of odd facts that come out at any moment like Tourette’s Syndrome. I’m talking to a girl: “hi, how ya doin’. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? Much like the sea otter. Where are you going? Come back!”
A woman can have sex with whoever she wants, a man only with whoever allows him.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'll tell you why nobody knows, 'cause, people forget a very important thing. The Chinese are a lot smarter than us... So, it's hard to-to criticize. But some things, we excel at that they don't, you know, it's - I mean, I have never seen a Chinese guy in a porno.
My wife is a vegetarian. When my wife is with me, I eat vegetarian. When she's not, I eat meat. I'm just being honest.
You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.'
A lot of times people complain that their significant other takes too long to get ready to go out at night. I've never had that complaint and I think it's because I never want to go anywhere, so I could care less how long it takes her to get ready. That's just less time I have to spend with her horrible friends pretending I don't want to kill myself. She'll take an hour and a half to get ready, come down and be like, 'Oh my goodness, you were so patient.' And I'll be like, 'For what? You look disgusting.' Now she's crying, whatever, I bought myself an extra two hours to watch the game. It's not like she's going to break up with me; she's 10 years younger, she's one opinion away from being replaced. I can say that, I have a television show.
I was always the class clown, although many teachers view the class clown as a trouble maker. But I always had good grades, so the only thing my parents were told was that while I was intelligent, I talked too much.
Three things to think about before you say anything: Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me now?
Life is like sex, baby - the more you put in, the more you get out. End of story.
Weed is from tha earth. God put this here for me and you. Take advantage man, take advantage!
Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers? Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really good point, they should... fix that. It's good to know that somebody finally gets me!