Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 808

People don’t always think Jewish people are cool because we don’t talk as cool as other types of people. You never hear stuff like, “Jews in the house!” The only time you hear a Jewish person say “in the house” is like, y’know, “Murray! Get in the house!”

You know, be able to do something great in your life, you're gonna have to realize your failures. You're gonna have to embrace them and figure out how to overcome it.

If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.

I have a beard. Just not on my face...

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Dean Martin’s pancreas, who overheard his liver singing "I got a right to sing the blues." Never got a dinner!

Well, excuuuuuse me!!!

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

I think about dying. I've come to realize we all die alone in one way or another.

I figured, let me just cut myself off from everybody, take a minute and pull a Flintstone, stop a speeding car by using my bare feet as brakes.

Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh … well, until you killed them all, I suppose.

If I knew as a young man what I know now I still would have felt lost.

Don't hate the player; change the game.

What's it going to take to get these people who refuse to believe that global warming exists to get in touch with reality? Where do they think exhaust goes - Bunnyland?