Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 808
Dear Momma - Wherever you are, if ever you hear the word 'nigger' again, remember they are advertising my book.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
You would play house, you would fake vacuum. Fake vacuum with your friends, that was awesome. It's great because when I see my wife vacuum now I'm like, 'She is living her childhood dream.'
You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is fresh! I will do well to shop here'. You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a poo shop! Everything in here is themed on poo!
My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.
I like pressure. Pressure doesn't make me crack. It's enabling. I eat pressure, and there might be times when I get a bad feeling in my gut that this might be too much, but you feel pressure when you're not doing something, you know?
There have been two different drafts of the script. The hard part about following it up is at the end of the first one, he revealed his identity to his kids. How do you play that out? How does she come back? One of the ideas was that he'd go to New York because his daughter was going to college and he'd be nearby. But as a script, it never worked.
Elizabeth Taylor, who recently built a halfway house for girls who don't want to go all the way. Never got a dinner!
They shouldn’t call anything a boot camp unless you’re going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won’t let you come back until you’re funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike.
Inauguration Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants.
She kind of reminds one of Helen. There's something very similar about Elizabeth Perkins.
Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.