Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 813

If my girlfriend ever turned into a zombie, I would not hesitate to wear a condom.

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

I'm always amazed when I hear people saying; "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.

George Hamilton, you’re like Tang. You’re dry and orange and nobody has given a fuck about you since 1968.

We've written the stories as they've happened in our lives, and they have happened in our lives, and people seem to identify with them. And as scary as that sounds, people seem themselves in us.

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

I’ve lived in Manchester since my 20s and I’ve only been in three fights –not a bad average.

Holy shit, Gilbert! You look like you smell like pee.

If anybody comes up to you and says, "My kid is a conservative - why is that?" you say, "Remember in the 60′s when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?"

I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.

It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.