Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 816

I have a hot wife, I know that, because every guy that meets her, when she leaves the room, turns to me and goes "Dude, man, if you die... I'm gonna be all over that!" "Thanks, dad."

Mostly everything gets worse before it gets better.

As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.

What you have to do is be honest with who you are. Find that thing inside of you that is you and be that. Don't lie and don't perpetrate. I am sick and tired of ugly bitches that wear shirts that say, 'Cutey.'

God picked us to be the slaves because we can handle it…. If the white folks would have been slaves, the shit would have ended in 20 minutes. “Chains! And it’s not gold!... Call my lawyer!... Get your things Susan we’re out of here.”

Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.

I think it’s a tad bit hypocritical of black people to have names that you can’t call us anymore but we still have in the organizations that represent us. The United Negro College Fund. Oh, you can’t call us a negro, but we will accept your donation.

On his teenage son: To be honest, I’m not sure the same kid comes home each night.

Sure, you can start now. Fire the janitor.

It's not what you know, it's what you think you know.

It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

If anybody comes up to you and says, "My kid is a conservative - why is that?" you say, "Remember in the 60′s when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?"