Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 816
We mostly get together and have fun. It's a great place to play music with a small group of nice people.
My wife is a light eater - as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
We're (women) our own worst enemies a lot of the time, but I still blame men.
You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.
The camera adds ten pounds. Why? What, we don't have the technology to remedy that one little thing? We can have fucking Forrest Gump cohorting with John F. Kennedy, and we can't just fix that one little thing, the ten pound variant on a lens... You can actually levitate now when you watch a movie about flying, but they just don't have the technology for that ten pound margin of error.
He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.
I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes.
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"
My brother Darryl, he's the manager and I'm like this is going to be awesome because my bro, manager, is going to hook me up, he was a dick! He thought he was the Burger King, you know what I'm saying? He would put me on drive through every single night. Why do people insist on yelling at the drive through?