Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 816
And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.
Then you had people who wanted to get into comedy just to get a TV deal.
That's not news! When a shark comes out of the water, walks into a 7-11, and bites you in the ass, then it's news!
TV is easier: it's all planned out for you and the audience is there to see a show and they are all pumped up but when you are in a comedy club, you have to be really funny to win them over.
I have a hot wife, I know that, because every guy that meets her, when she leaves the room, turns to me and goes "Dude, man, if you die... I'm gonna be all over that!" "Thanks, dad."
I got really lost last year. But I can’t be lonely though. Cause we’re all stuck here. I wanted to make something that says no matter how bad you fuck up, or mistakes you’ve made during the year, your life, your eternity. You’re always allowed to be better. You’re always allowed to grow up. If you want.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.
How come there’s no self-effacing rappers? “Had to go to Goodwill to get this jacket/ that’s ‘cause I’m in a low-income tax bracket.”
The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
It was early on when I was really focused and obsessed with doing The Tonight Show and Letterman and stuff like that. Then, I quickly realized that those things don’t make or break a career.
I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn't, but I thought: 'What the hell?' So I went to an open mic night, and I liked it.
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.