Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 815

Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.

There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.

Girls get more attached when they orgasm, so I make sure not to let that happen.

I was not the popular kid in school.

Smut, if it's really smut, there's nothing backing it up. It's the easy way out.

Jim Bakker spells his name with 2 k's because 3 would be too obvious.

I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians.

Got an offer to do my next special in 3D. Sounds cool but do you really want me coming into your house?

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

A girl who is willing to give every ounce of herself to someone, who could never betray her lover, who never suspects maliciousness of anyone, and whose sexuality sleeps in her, waiting to be stirred.

I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.

Have you ever had a cookie? Then you won't get any here either.

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

Feminists think that this show is only for sexist dudes, but in fact 43% of our viewers are sexist females.