Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 815
If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.
Relationships, easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie! ‘Cause you can’t get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody.
Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.
I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues".
I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen’s show and were disappointed. "That didn’t seem very organized! That guy’s all over the map!"
I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.
Elizabeth Taylor, who recently built a halfway house for girls who don't want to go all the way. Never got a dinner!
I was doing a show a couple of weeks ago and I was talking to a girl in the front row. I asked her her name. She said, “It’s Patacka.”
There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and talk to them, they'll talk back to you.
The magazine at the health food store said, "Stop Aging!" Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging...