Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 815
The grocery store near my house closes at 8:25.<br /> -- Todd Barry, on the hours of the grocery store near his house
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.
Girls get more attached when they orgasm, so I make sure not to let that happen.
If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you've made, let's be fair, that means you've got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you've done. It's okay to say, "God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that." Then it kind of balances out.
New York is great though. If you're here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".
My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.
I got recognized today in Dixons, a member of staff came up to me and said ‘hey your that mad bloke off the tele’, I went ‘thats me’, and he went ‘no, your that mad bloke….off the tele!’
A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh.
Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, "fair and balanced? Why, that's snide!" Yeah, okay, maybe they're not fair and balanced, but CNN used to have the slogan "You Can Depend on CNN". Guess what? I watch it, no you can't. So what's the difference?