Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 815
Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.
The economy is in trouble, schools are in trouble, and people have been leaving the city in droves for a long, long time.
There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
[talking about how the relationship changes after marriage] You know, you'll spend some time together, then you tell her, "You know, you're fun! I like you! You're fun! We have fun together! Let's get married!" So you get married, then after a little while fun starts packin' its shit! And you go, "Where ya' goin', fun?" And she goes, "Oh, nowhere. Just gettin' some stuff together." And then one day, Fun says "Fuck it!" and takes off! And you go, "Come back, Fun!" And she says, "Fuck you married guy!"
"Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water." Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
God picked us to be the slaves because we can handle it…. If the white folks would have been slaves, the shit would have ended in 20 minutes. “Chains! And it’s not gold!... Call my lawyer!... Get your things Susan we’re out of here.”
The weirdest thing about a house is that it’s got locks to keep the baddies out, but they’re mostly used to lock ourselves in.
I had a gig in Maidstone very early on. The venue doesn’t exist anymore – hopefully it burnt down. One doesn’t like to generalise but, well, they were all sub-human.
Before I left for college, my dad said, 'you know, son, I'm going to miss you.' I said, 'I know; that's because I broke the sights off your shotgun.'
If I try to cover too much ground, you start to get watered down and less interesting.
I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
It was June 4, 1979, the first time I went on stage. I didn't know I could do it but I knew I couldn't not do it. I quit everything in my life and this was the one thing I couldn't quit.