Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 870
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
What do you think you should do if you’re attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that’s a lie promoted by the bears.
If you pray about it don't worry about it. If you're going to worry about it don't pray about it.
Pol Pot - he rounded up anybody he thought was intellectual and had them executed. And how he told someone was intellectual or not was whether they wore glasses. If they're that clever, take them off when they see him coming!
I'm at the register in the clothing store, and i put a pair of pants on the counter. The lady says "You Gonna Buy Those" I said "Nope gonna steal them, just wanna let you see them before I do" Here's your sign!
When we were making out you kinda acted like it was nothing. Like you were doing it to prove you could do it or something.
I love singing along to the radio while I’m riding in the back of a squad car.
You’re not a fan of Dale Earnhardt, you’re a fan of someone else that will take a risk so you can sit your fat faggot ass on a couch and have some slow drip morphine injection of adrenaline so you don’t have to do anything!
I was always the "Class Clown" and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
There's new territory, there's new places to go, new things to explore. Why stay back there? Maybe it will take three films to find another character that is really totally original, but I've got a lifetime, so why waste it just repeating myself.
In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.