Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 870

I always forced myself to do crazy things in public. In college I would push an overhead projector across campus with my pants just low enough to show my butt.

That is not a Bob Hope joke! That is a no hope joke.

Ebony and Ivory. No more racism now. That one’s done.

After every horror we’re told, “Now the healing can begin.” No. There’s no healing – just a short pause before the next horror.

We're not allowed to do anything to nature anymore, except look at it. It's like porn with leaves.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

There should be some kind of dedication of a portion of the funds to Town Center.

Girls who used to tell me I ain't cool enough now text me pics saying you can tear this up!

Nothing is happening but I'll ruin it.

I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.

The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we kill those people.

There's a game called Checkout where there's grocery items and it's how much you think the manufacturer's suggested retail price is and we add up your total, then your total has to be within $2 of the regular total. I don't think I could ever win that game.

Now, I think the people who are still doing stand-up are doing it because they love stand-up.

Each day it's like: 'How many more days am I going to feel young and vibrant? I feel young and vibrant now, but I also feel the aches and pains a little bit.'

When the show's in production, we work for three weeks at a time and then take a week off.