Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 887

Take that money and build something you can see... something for the children.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

Your rooms are as filthy today as they were when you graduated from high school. And we want them cleaned up.

We got no Whoppers. You kids quit screwin' around. We got no Whoppers here. Don't make me come out there.

Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."

My shrink told me it was pointless to believe in myself.

My fondest childhood memory is when I was twelve years old. I made out with my babysitter, Cathy. She stops in the middle of everything. “We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore.”<br /> “Why? I’m not paying you? My parents are!”

There’s a relationship between men and their machines that goes way beyond what we can put into words. (Ironically, there’s a relationship between women and words that goes way beyond what men could ever comprehend.)

We started to see less and less of each other. And that’s when I knew it was quicksand.

Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early.

Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a "with" in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.

It's time to stop pretending I'm ok with things I'm not ok with like all insects and Foster the People.

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike...dances with wildlife...