Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 887
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
The competitions are as much a part of the tradition as the actual dances.
We made this movie for $17, and nobody got anything. So it never dawned on me that we would get real people.
We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.
How proud you were when they named you America's best... then you found out they meant America's beast!
"What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom." Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 yrs that hasn't just depressed me more.
My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "Pick up, I know you're there." And she says the same thing back, "How'd you get this new number?"
T-bone you can't talk to Ced like that, just cause your life is messed up. It ain't his fault your third wife left you for your second wife.
You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.
Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they’ll rebel and make the right ones.
My wife got us a catalog of stuff just for our dogs. 42 pages of things just for our dogs. She bought a feeding dish this high off the ground. I said, “What does he need that for?”, and she says, “So he don’t got to bend his neck to eat!” I just saw him licking his own ass! Excuse me for thinking he’s limber enough to eat! She said, “It helps his digestion!” I said, “His digestion’s just fine! I pick it up out of the yard every morning.”
If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.