Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 888

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

My therapist thinks I'd be better off living in a dream-state.

Take that money and build something you can see... something for the children.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

My movies are okay, but they're not my specials.

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

There are no "I's" in "we" but there are two "i's" in "Wii."

Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes and Noble. Bring your own book... I haven't written one yet.

Every time you see him, you only make yourself vulnerable to further heartache. Do you really need further proof that he’s getting on with his life without you?

I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right.

Take my wife... Please!

I found out who the spirit was that designed the Winchester Mystery House. Helen Keller.

I was wondering if Circuit City could possibly make their receipts just a little bit longer.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he’s been pushed for money ever since.

On performing in front of comic legend Ken Dodd: It was like trying to make love to your wife in front of a porn star – ‘I’m doing my best here! I know you can probably do it better but don’t look at me like that!’.