Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 888
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
When I'm sick I don't shake hands. I say hello by putting my fingers in your mouth.
I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.
When I did the sitcom I was too naive. I thought, Well, they know what they're talking about, let's do that.
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.
I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daughters so we'll watch the good stuff, the fun stuff.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
This dude walks up to me wearing a cape - he was wearing a cape - and he just said, 'Dude, do you know what time it is?' I was like, 'You're just gonna ask me that like you're not wearing a cape? It's time to take off that dumbass cape.'
Anyone you give a ton of money to is going to go slightly crazy. I don't think comedians are particularly special in that regard; they just are better or more vocal in their expressions of their craziness.
You might be a redneck if your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
One day, there will be a Latino president. It could be the mayor of San Antonio. And when he’s all crudo, he can send his brother out there.
I don't know why people think that somehow the First Amendment applies to network television. It doesn't. It's like the way free speech doesn't apply at work. You can't just walk into your boss' office and say 'you're a fuckface and I'm gonna go back to work now.' No, you're not.
I’m addicted to the Internet. I check into the hotel. Try to go online on my laptop. Doesn’t work. Call the front desk.