Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 888
You know, the fact that every morning you get a script in your mailbox, that's going to stop. All these little pedestrian, mundane things. And the cash.
Some bad things have been happening to me. A pervert called me. Five times. Collect. And that damn fool won't tell me where he lives. And my fan club broke up today. The guy died.
I definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts', I was thinking the same thing.
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
Weeks after those tragic fires in Arizona, a fallen firefighter's bracelet that said "Be Good" was found in the ashes. Some see it as a sign from God, while others see it as what fire suits should be made out of.
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.