Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 886

There's something that happens in that delivery room, when a woman becomes ten times more a woman, and a guy becomes six times less a man. You feel really dopey and useless and like a spectator. I did, anyway.

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

Okra is the closest thing to nylon I`ve ever eaten. It`s like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.

If you can see the handwriting on the wall … you're on the toilet.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

If you have your life to live over again, don't do it.

My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "Pick up, I know you're there." And she says the same thing back, "How'd you get this new number?"

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Ebony and Ivory. No more racism now. That one’s done.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

When it comes to men, deal with them as they are, not how you’d like them to be.

When sex is good theres nothing better, when its bad its not bad.

Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. There's a problem with the antenna. They don't like to be held - like my ex-wife.