Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 886

When I’m not working, I think and I think when I get depressed.

When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.

Sometimes i drift away...don't worry about that....Sometimes I don't drift back...but don't worry about that either!

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, "There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes."

My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer "If I should die before I wake"? I had sheets that said that!

True Yankees fans know an up-and-coming player when they see one.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

I have big hands. I can't do the touch-screen thing. I'm a button guy. I want to press buttons.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

It never fails - you get in the bath and there's a rub at the lamp.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

...some of the best sex I can barely remember.

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.