Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 886
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
The value of holding a grudge. And to always refer to my father sarcastically as Mr. Wonderful.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
It's time to stop pretending I'm ok with things I'm not ok with like all insects and Foster the People.
I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.
We had the real rednecks where I grew up. The kind of guys that can use the N-word and “Jesus” in the same sentence and mean ‘em both.
In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say "scientists"? I meant "Irish people."
If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.
Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too".
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.
The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.