Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 886

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates. Would you like to see my weasel?

It seems to me that there will be a point in out development or our evolution where you put your guns aside.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.

I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.

My mother was the sweetest lady who ever lived on this planet, but if you tried to tell her that Jesus wasn't a Christian, she would stomp you to death.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

When I see the American flag, I go, 'Oh my God, you're insulting me.'

I don’t drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, who said, "This isn't a hump. I ate a canteloupe and it backed up on me." Never got a dinner!