Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 911
King Soloman, who said to his thousand wives, "Who hasn't got a headache?" Never got a dinner!
The Invisible Man, who said to his wife, "I don't care if it looks silly, don't stop!" Never got a dinner!
You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.
I’d like to punch out a really old lady. There’d be no repercussions.
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
Even John's dick has a great hairline. On "Full House," John's dick had a mullet.
They don't want an educated populace capable of critical thought, sitting around the kitchen table realizing how badly they're getting fucked!
Nobody talks about sex in Scotland. Scottish gynecologists don't even talk about sex. It's just like: 'Get up on the table there, Mrs. Henderson. Lift up your skirt. We'll take a look at your magic baby door.'
[Imitating a whining vegetarian] "Yeah, well, if you eat red meat, it stays in your colon for fifteen years!" Good! I paid for it; I want it in my ass, okay? I want them to find a meat sweater from my esophagus to my asshole when they open me up in the end! "This guy's covered in meat! He's Meat-Man! He's Meat-Tracheotomy-Man!"
You could be a genius -- you try to write a postcard, you come across like a moron anyway. It's always like, 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.
One of the suckiest and most frustrating facts of life is that sometimes relationship just end, often without reason. I truly believe that sometimes both men and women simply run out of love, even when there was a lot of it in the beginning.
Were they beautiful? We were all beautiful. We were in our twenties.