Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 911

I thought comedy would be the hardest thing I could do, and if I could do that, I could do anything.

I'm still here. I knocked off another competitor.

At first the difference will be in whatever atmosphere I bring into it. It's not going to be like, 'I really want to do The Daily Show and I'd love to turn it into an abstract musical.' I like the format and the chance to satirize the news.

Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a "with" in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.

It's time to stop pretending I'm ok with things I'm not ok with like all insects and Foster the People.

For some reason I did something where I realized I could get a reaction. That was when I broke out of my shell at school, because I really didn't have any friends or anything like that and I just kind of was going along, and then finally I did this zany thing, and all of a sudden I had tons of friends.

I was literally cheated on...I woke up and they were on top of me.

More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

I'm a one-man idiot.

Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.

FEMA I always thought was a bone here in your ass.

Even at home, on my stationary exercise bike, I have a rearview mirror.