Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 911

It's funny because it's funny.

It was raining cats and dogs, and I fell in a poodle.

I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.

Several weeks ago, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared without explanation for five days. Now of course, as it turns out, he didn't really disappear. It turns out he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Which is a trail that starts in Maine and ends in an Argentine woman's vagina.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn’t even have attempted it.

[Worst Thing to Hear Over a Tannoy System] Ladies and gentlemen, we all know there will be a bomb on the Tube… but will it be today?

I hate how all the hip hop bands of today will put crazy sound effects into their songs. You know what I mean, like a police or ambulance siren in a tune? Because I could own the CD, I could listen to it 50 gamillion times in my car - I still fall for it every time.

Everybody thinks Italian guys are dumb. Cause we sound like Rocky when we talk. But we’re not dumb, we’re just a little slower. That’s why we always repeat the question. We’re just buying time. Like, “Correale, what did you do today?” “What did I do today?”

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Hell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!

It's unbelievable. People are so desperate to get home. The trains come very regularly, you see them, one minute, two minutes, three minutes... this means nothing to people. As soon as you get on the platform it's a level playing field. I don't care when you arrived, I'm getting on this train.

When I was nine, my life was devoted to seeing a tit. I was Captain Ahab, and it was my big white whale. I'd go down to Sears on a Sunday in hopes they'd remove a clothing from a mannequin. Sad but true, sad but fuckin' true.