Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 910
I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says "You using the phone?" "Nope, I'm superman, i am just looking for my costume." Here's your sign!
If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you.
Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.
You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.
If I've learned anything in my 30s, it's about holding back a little bit.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
You have to fail, man, but you cannot allow failure to stop you from doing what you must do. Failing is just as good as succeeding in a lot of ways. It’s how you react to it all. You can react to success the wrong way and be a total failure. Or you can react to losing with your whole heart, learn from it, and be a huge success. In stand-up, I’ve learned to know when I’m burning it up or when I’m being so-so. That’s experience. I learn every single time I’m on a stage.
I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.
What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.
With a cheery delicacy she divided my obsessions into three categories: acceptable, unacceptable, and hilarious.
I don’t know what’s going on with Britney. I think by now she’s her own species. We need to catch her, tag her and send her back out into her natural habitat - Starbucks - so we can observe her and learn more about her.