Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 910

Nudity has taken over all of show business. I went into a nightclub last week and a beautiful young girl came out onto the stage with nothing on and sang "On a clear day you can see forever."

I just tied a string around my penis so I don't forget it.

You can’t take everything that is offered to you. I pass on a lot of stuff, because I truly believe that I will shine better if I could do it 200 percent rather than do it 80 percent and make it so-so.

Have a little fun.

I feel like people who don’t brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they’re hiding something more even exciting.

The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.

Comedy is a group activity, a verbal orgy.

Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.

You are a shit head, but I can make you feel like you’re not the only shit head.

Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.

It's funny because it's funny.

I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity.

If you open your mind too much, your brains will fall out.

I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.

“(reading email) ‘Great party Arj. Best party ever.’ What a jerk!”