Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 910

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

When you go to cable, there are no stations and no affiliates and they allow you to do your show.

The biggest battle for a lot of people who come out of the theater, which is where I was trained, is that they can never forget that a camera is pointed at them.

When I was nine, my life was devoted to seeing a tit. I was Captain Ahab, and it was my big white whale. I'd go down to Sears on a Sunday in hopes they'd remove a clothing from a mannequin. Sad but true, sad but fuckin' true.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea.

I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

I am probably a pseudo-intellectual.

Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.

My grandmother was a Jewish juggler: she used to worry about six things at once.

I know her in the biblical sense…and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

But, you know, you can't be a star at home.

You know, I live a monastic lifestyle. No, I do. I do live in extremes, basically. I go back and forth. Once every six months, I'll have a day where I eat more chocolate than has ever been consumed by a human being.