Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 917

I’m not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That’s my range.

You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry.

If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

We got everythin' we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um... everythin' good. I'll get ya another Baileys

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as "a stroke of luck". Of course, by "luck" they mean "horrible paralysis."

I'm sure that Jesus was an incredible person.

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked.

That's right. It turns out we've all been taking relationship advice from the fat middle-aged, bald guy who drives a Ferrari!

It is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it.

Comedians walk out, get a feel for the crowd. If it's not going good, we change directions. If we got to drag your momma into this thing, we will. Whatever we got to do.