Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 917
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, 'cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.
If conservatives get to call universal healthcare "socialized medicine", I get to call private, for-profit healthcare "soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain".
'Green Screen' was a total experiment. I'm glad we did it, but it was just tough on that network to get it going.
I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.
A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.
We just jumped out and started shooting with the band, and then one thing led to another. You see it unfold in the movie, but by the end of just hanging with them we had decided, 'Why don't we have them come to Brooklyn?' It was pretty awesome.
I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it.
"I" equals all of the "ifs" added up over time. The "ifs," those are the possibilities; that’s infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that’s finite for each of us; there is no question there. Maybe if you divide "choices" by the amount of time you have, the real "I" can emerge, depending upon those choices.
People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.
Try not to be four years into a relationship when it suddenly dawns on you that the guy you're with is a big, selfish jerk.
So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.
Oh Rama, here I go again! Listen to you, sounding like Death Vader. You people need cigarettes as much as this country needs another C-average President. Plus you look like a human Pez dispenser! Here are your cigarettes, and here is some gum so you can blow bubbles for that weird ass hole you have in your neck. And here are some batteries, for your creeping-me-out machine. Now get the fark out of my store! I hope I am reincarnated as a turtleneck... Thank you for getting that joke!
The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.