Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 925

If I don't believe in Jesus, maybe I don't believe in Hell. Did you ever think of that? You're so excited about it, why don't you go to Hell? It's your concept; you invented it.

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'

I'm a nerd. I'm a little guy... the last guy you'd expect in a romantic movie.

Life is moments going by, but if you don't grab them, they're gone. For a long time, the only moments that were available were bad ones. So now I make sure to grab the good ones.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and has AIDS.

If you're going to be a romantic idol and try to get every teenage girl to love you, then you'd be an ass to come out and say you're gay. Ricky Martin was so smart. He did what he did, made his millions and then he said, Guess what, every body? I'm gay... It didn't matter anymore because he didn't have to bring in 16-year-old girls.

I was one of those kids that finished school early… by dropping out.

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!

I'm not a disciplined writer.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

I’m not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That’s my range.

There was this whole middle time that only Chris Rock came out of, you know, 10 years ago it was Chris and a few other people, but that's about it. Chris is in a class of his own; I don't see another comedian who I put in high regard as him.