Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 925

If your boss asks you why you're comin' in late, you say it's 'cause you stayed late.

No children were abused in the making of this show. No one was hurt and no Islamic cartoons were used. You know, for those of you that can't take a fucking joke.

The N-Word. And everyone says, “Don’t say it again. We should put a moratorium on it, because it’s a bad word.”... You see, it’s not bad to me because I don’t know any and I’ve never been one.

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.

The average late-night viewer is in their mid-50s and the average viewer of TBS is in their 30s and is largely African-American and Hispanic, already, before I even get there.

I saw the movie, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and I was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realised why: they're crouching and hidden.

If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

I try to dress smooth, I try to keep my face shaved, I try to keep my head cut. I try to do all the things to keep it smooth going!

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

To which she replied, “Actually, I do.”

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

If that man in the PTL is such a healer, why can't he make his wife's hairdo go down?

The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.