Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 925
I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
On Joan Rivers: “Could your original face have been that much worse than that clown mask you’ve had welded on?”
Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early.
A man may fight for many things. His country, his friends, his principles, the glistening ear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a sack of French porn.
Three times in ten years of comedy I've pulled my dick out or gone on stage naked, and it was appropriate at the time.
If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, "Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood".
My grandmother was a Jewish juggler: she used to worry about six things at once.
Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany... After, I'm guessing, amnesia...
Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.
If you're going to be a romantic idol and try to get every teenage girl to love you, then you'd be an ass to come out and say you're gay. Ricky Martin was so smart. He did what he did, made his millions and then he said, Guess what, every body? I'm gay... It didn't matter anymore because he didn't have to bring in 16-year-old girls.