Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 937
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.
How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?
The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!'
I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.
I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it -- build a house! Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.
Not many people have had as much bad luck as I have, but not many people have had as much good luck, either.
Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast.
Scientists have estimated that every person on earth has some atoms in their body from every other person who ever existed. Yikes. This means I have atoms in my body from Buddha, Jesus, Lincoln, Geronimo, Hitler, Attila the Hun, Lassie, and Marilyn Monroe. At least now I understand my mood swings.
World AIDS Day is the one day of the year that it's okay to totally ignore lesbians.
I love hitting into the rough because it gets me close to the people.
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.