Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 937

You have to remember: the wife been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces. Sometimes the opposite.

Oh, God! Get me out of this Paris Hilton-Lindsay Lohan-Kim Kardashian, talentless slut decade!

I figured out years ago that the human species is totally fucked and has been for a long time. I also know that the sick, media-consumer culture in America continues to make this so-called problem worse. But the trick, folks, is not to give a fuck. Like me. I really don't care. I stopped worrying about all this temporal bullshit a long time ago. It's meaningless.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

Twitter seems like a busman’s holiday: just more writing. I have no plans to do it. I’ll just stick with my 24/7 webcam. I’m old-fashioned that way.

But, you know, you can't be a star at home.

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material."I can't look at the old tapes now.

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

It seemed like a funny thing to do! I thought we could maybe get on the ticket of the Libertarian Party. But people were either amused or horrified at the idea of me representing their party.

I feel like a divorced woman in her 40s, all I need is some cat hair and it’ll be complete.

I'm just saying we can all work on our manners. We can say please and thank you. We can be punctual. We can just be nicer to one another. It's something we have in our power to do.

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

I enjoy my own thoughts sometimes.

If Harry Potter's so magical, why can’t he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn't need a broomstick to cling onto.