Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 937

I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out.

If you open your mind too much, your brains will fall out.

Aw, hell. My wife and I made a porno, good God, somehow it's wound up on the internet... Cuz I put it there! You're welcome!

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.

My wife, she told me I was one in a million. I found out that she was right.

When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

People make plans and God laughs. Why? What's wrong with people making plans? Why don't you just grow the fuck up, you big, fake jerk.

I’m a vulgar, fucked-up degenerate comedian who did drugs. And I’m connecting with Christian mothers and fathers. I love that. That means so much to me.

Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I've no desire to hang around with a bunch of upper-class delinquents, do twenty minutes' work and then spend the rest of the day loafing about in Paris drinking gallons of champagne and having dozens of moist, pink, highly experienced French peasant girls galloping up and down my - hang on...

“My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with…she read hers out and there were no surprises…1 George Clooney…2 Brad Pitt etc…I thought ‘Ive got the better deal here’…1 Your sister”

The first time probably people really were aware of me, I unfortunately had the title of Showtime's Funniest Person in America. And that's a really tough title to travel around with when you're not even known.