Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 938

Today's ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music.

Hell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!

When I'm sick I don't shake hands. I say hello by putting my fingers in your mouth.

I'm not a disciplined writer.

Just ’cause you can’t control yours, don’t throw us all out!

Now I'm used to my daily, almost hourly, outrage at what's happening in this country.

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

There are people that really live by doing the right thing, but I don't know what that is, I'm really curious about that. I'm really curious about what people think they're doing when they're doing something evil, casually. I think it's really interesting, that we benefit from suffering so much, and we excuse ourselves from it.

I was in the park, pulling out stray nose hairs with my pliers. Those sleeping winos hate it when you do that.

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.

You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.