Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 938
The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
If that man in the PTL is such a healer, why can't he make his wife's hairdo go down?
You could be a genius -- you try to write a postcard, you come across like a moron anyway. It's always like, 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.
'Green Screen' was a total experiment. I'm glad we did it, but it was just tough on that network to get it going.
Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.
Never say to younger people "that was before your time," because the last full moon was before their time!
What's true in our minds is true, whether some people know it or not.
How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?
They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it's not torture.
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
You are a shit head, but I can make you feel like you’re not the only shit head.