Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 220
A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."
I'm not a person who I ever thought would do well with divorce. Not that it can't happen. I just didn't want that. So I waited a long time to meet the right person. Then I finally met someone that I was willing to be divorced from.
I've been to Japan, I've been to China, I've been to Africa, I've been to the Middle East, I've been to Europe a little bit. I've never been to South America.
There're rules to being the side chick. Rule number one: you're number two.
If my mom came here today, she'd probably join this red-hat brigade. My mother got my sense of humor, even when I was a kid. I would just do things that tickled my fancy in the moment, and she would ask me who I was entertaining. I'd say, 'Well, me.' And she would tell me that nobody knew that and they thought I was psychotic. Well, I don't ever want people to think I'm psychotic, but I can't help myself from doing these things.
Critics noted Schwarzenegger's only previous government experience was serving as chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, where his only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was doing anyway.
Taking a leak on a tree in the great wilderness of Alaska should not be a "who farted?" situation.
She broke up with me. Didn’t really tell me why. Luckily when you’re the guy, you can just tell people she’s crazy. ‘Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.’ ‘Yeah, man. Turns out, she’s crazy.’ That’s what they always do on Entourage.
If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
I was just following the corporate manifest, but at the premiere my sister punched me in the stomach. I thought, 'This doesn't bode well for the public.'
I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid.
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
So I go back, reluctantly, down a murky hallway to what looks like a Dollar Store dressing room, and I open up the dirty curtain. There's a velvet Elvis on the wall with the eyes cut out - some weird sort of quality assurance program they're running in there. They got a dirty recliner they pulled off the street with duct tape on it - God knows what else. They got a bloody pipe on the floor. It's like a third world game of Clue.