My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up.
Quotes and Jokes by Phyllis Diller
Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 173)
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit down.
I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
Money's scarce, Times are hard, Here's your fucking Xmas card.
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?