Quotes and Jokes by Phyllis Diller

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Money's scarce, Times are hard, Here's your fucking Xmas card.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit down.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?