Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Money's scarce, Times are hard, Here's your fucking Xmas card.

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.