Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller


My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up.

If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch."

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn’t keep him awake – even when it’s hot and being spilled on him.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.