Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller

175 quotes

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up.

If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.

Fang will not go on a picnic. He says we have the whole thing at home: bugs, dirt, tainted food. At our last picnic we wanted to play horseshoes, but his mother refused to go barefoot.

Fang is such a drag. He took his suit to the cleaners to be cleaned and depressed.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch."

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

Feminism is doomed to failure because it is based on an attempt to repeal and restructure human nature.

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.