Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.

If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Money's scarce, Times are hard, Here's your fucking Xmas card.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.