Quotes and Jokes by Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Ada Diller was an American actress and comedienne, best known for her eccentric stage persona, her self-deprecating humor, her wild hair and clothes, and her exaggerated, cackling laugh.

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 173)

#1

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up.

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#2

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.

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#3

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

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#4

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

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#5

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

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#6

If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

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#7

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."

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#8

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

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#9

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

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#10

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

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#11

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

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#12

Money's scarce, Times are hard, Here's your fucking Xmas card.

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#13

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit down.

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#14

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

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#15

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

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