Quotes & Jokes by Bill Burr / page 2

65 quotes

Fast food I think is like a conspiracy, y’know. I think that’s how they just keep us dumb. You can’t even think after a while, you ever notice that shit? Like you ever had your whole day planned out, you eat one egg McMuffin and you’re just on the couch, ‘Eh, y’know what, fuck my dreams.’

Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there’s like this whole added pressure to perform. ‘Cause it’s kinda like you’re not just humping for yourself. You’re humping for your race. You got to represent your people.

Haven’t you noticed that every time the government fucks up McDonald’s has a new sandwich?

Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!

Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.

Having a dick is one of the most dangerous things on the planet. How many people are eaten by sharks each year? How many guys lose everything they've got because of their dick? Yet the Discovery Channel has Shark week every other fucking month. Why doesn't it have Dick Week? That would be the scariest seven days in the history of television.

Rednecks are like America's pit bulls. They should just sedate those people, drop 'em off in Afghanistan, just let them run wild. Just be like, 'Dude, just go do everything you ever dreamed of doing. Just go crazy. Have one of your friends play the banjo... it'll scare the hell out of them.'

I think it's a really selfish thing, especially if your guy isn't making a lot of money, to make him go out and blow money on a shiny fucking rock that was dug out of the ground by a fucking 8 year old. Ya know? Just because you're not mature enough as an adult to walk up to all your other girlfriends with your engagement ring and letting it be something other than a diamond or at the very least letting it be a diamond that your future husband can afford.

Fuck this I'm going to get a pumpkin.

I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.

I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their fucking window, am I right?

Women want you to suffer. You know what I mean? They want you to go 4 to 8 grand in debt. They want you to do that, and go to work every fucking day, knowing that you're working for their fucking love and the use of their fucking vagina.

There's no 'brothers' when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio... I don't know that guy.

I love the Spurs and their white guy basketball that they play. I absolutely love their fundamentally sound pick and roll, fucking kiss it off the glass, ‘I can’t jump either’ game that they play, it’s tremendous. There’s not a lotta white guys out there doing it, but when I watch the Spurs play, it looks like 5 white guys playing pick-up at the Y.

You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, 'You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody.'