Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 3
If you choose jail over church, you either really hate God or you really love butt rape.
Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq.
Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.
Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo’s football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game of his career. It’s a bad year for the name Simpson. Even O. J. is pissed - he feels like they’re making his name look bad.
It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly a loyal friend, then they wouldn't need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. I have a lot of good friends and not one of them has ever introduced themselves by saying, "I'm a very good friend."
Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It's the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you've fallen in love. It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.
David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere - his car drove itself.
Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.
Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.
Who hasn't taken birth control pills to treat menstrual cramps? That's like me going to give a blowjob for menstrual cramps.
I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that’s what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn’t be dishonest about it.
Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father.
I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.
Listen, Dim Sum, you little fuck fuck, I didn't pay a hundred dollars for a fucking towel rub.