Quotes & Jokes by Don Rickles

62 quotes

I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.

Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that.

Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts.

I don't care if the average guy on the street really knows what I'm like, as long as he knows I'm not really a mean, vicious guy. My friends and family know what I'm really like. That's what's important.

You lose your energy, you lose that excitement and it gets the audience up.

I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.

I've never walked off stage and said, "I shouldn't have done that." Because when you do what I do, you're like a fighter. You throw the right hand and say, "That's what got me to this dance." You can't have doubt. If you have doubt, there's no show.

You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.

It takes many years to be a great comedian.

You know what's funny to me? Attitude.

You throw your best punch, otherwise don't do it.

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

I'm not a big one for jokes. I can't tell a joke, believe it or not. If you gave me a thousand bucks and said, 'Don, get up at a party and tell a joke', I'm the worst.

Once in a while, when I'm alone, I think about my age. I think, How many more years do I have on this earth? But I can't really conceive of dying. Somehow, in my head, I don't think I'll die. I know that everybody dies, of course. I just think that it'll never come to me. It's crazy, but there it is.

No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.