Quotes and Jokes by Don Rickles

Donald Jay Rickles was an American stand-up comedian, actor, and author, known especially for his insult comedy. His film roles included Run Silent, Run Deep with Clark Gable and Kelly's Heroes with Clint Eastwood, and beginning in 1976 he enjoyed a two-year run starring in the NBC television sitcom C.P.O. Sharkey.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 62)


Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts.


I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.


Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.


I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.


When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.


I've never walked off stage and said, "I shouldn't have done that." Because when you do what I do, you're like a fighter. You throw the right hand and say, "That's what got me to this dance." You can't have doubt. If you have doubt, there's no show.


I was always the guy - out of insecurities, I was always making fun, even as a kid.


Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that.


Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?


It takes many years to be a great comedian.


I'm very shy so I became very outgoing to protect my shyness.


You throw your best punch, otherwise don't do it.


No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.


I was a mother's boy.


I'm not a big one for jokes. I can't tell a joke, believe it or not. If you gave me a thousand bucks and said, 'Don, get up at a party and tell a joke', I'm the worst.