Quotes & Jokes by Don Rickles


Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that.

You know what's funny to me? Attitude.

You lose your energy, you lose that excitement and it gets the audience up.

Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts.

I've never walked off stage and said, "I shouldn't have done that." Because when you do what I do, you're like a fighter. You throw the right hand and say, "That's what got me to this dance." You can't have doubt. If you have doubt, there's no show.

When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.

You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.

You throw your best punch, otherwise don't do it.

No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.

Showbiz is great if you're successful.

Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.

I was always the guy - out of insecurities, I was always making fun, even as a kid.

I'd like to think my performance is today. I never try to - it's so, as you know, watching me, I have a beginning, middle and ending. But every night the show changes and I relate to an audience and I relate to the young people.

I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies.

Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich.