Quotes and Jokes by Don Rickles

Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts.

I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.

Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.

I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.

When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.

I've never walked off stage and said, "I shouldn't have done that." Because when you do what I do, you're like a fighter. You throw the right hand and say, "That's what got me to this dance." You can't have doubt. If you have doubt, there's no show.

I was always the guy - out of insecurities, I was always making fun, even as a kid.

Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that.

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

It takes many years to be a great comedian.

I'm very shy so I became very outgoing to protect my shyness.

You throw your best punch, otherwise don't do it.

No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.

I was a mother's boy.

I'm not a big one for jokes. I can't tell a joke, believe it or not. If you gave me a thousand bucks and said, 'Don, get up at a party and tell a joke', I'm the worst.