Quotes & Jokes by Don Rickles


Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that.

I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.

Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts.

You lose your energy, you lose that excitement and it gets the audience up.

You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.

It takes many years to be a great comedian.

I've never walked off stage and said, "I shouldn't have done that." Because when you do what I do, you're like a fighter. You throw the right hand and say, "That's what got me to this dance." You can't have doubt. If you have doubt, there's no show.

I don't care if the average guy on the street really knows what I'm like, as long as he knows I'm not really a mean, vicious guy. My friends and family know what I'm really like. That's what's important.

You know what's funny to me? Attitude.

You throw your best punch, otherwise don't do it.

No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.

Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich.

I'm not a big one for jokes. I can't tell a joke, believe it or not. If you gave me a thousand bucks and said, 'Don, get up at a party and tell a joke', I'm the worst.