Quotes & Jokes by Don Rickles


Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that.

I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.

You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.

Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts.

You lose your energy, you lose that excitement and it gets the audience up.

No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.

Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.

You throw your best punch, otherwise don't do it.

You know what's funny to me? Attitude.

It takes many years to be a great comedian.

Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich.

I don't care if the average guy on the street really knows what I'm like, as long as he knows I'm not really a mean, vicious guy. My friends and family know what I'm really like. That's what's important.

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

I'm not a big one for jokes. I can't tell a joke, believe it or not. If you gave me a thousand bucks and said, 'Don, get up at a party and tell a joke', I'm the worst.

I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies.