Quotes & Jokes by George Lopez

100 quotes

We're Mexican not Mexican't!

Chicanos never say congratulations when people do well. “I got a job over at the hospital.” “‘S about time.” Do we say good luck? No, we say, “Don’t fuck it up like last time.” Or, “So now you think you’re all bad, or what?” Go to the Hallmark store and look for that card. “Do you have a Now-You-Think-You’re-All-Bad card?”

My grandmother instilled in me a toughness that comes with survival. She was a tough lady and never truly enjoyed her life. She would always worry about things and I would tell her that it wasn’t going to get her anywhere and it didn’t. I wasn’t even that smart back then, but I knew that worrying about everyone else wasn’t good for her health. As Latinos, we stress and worry so much about the future when the future is today. As long as we protect what’s good in our lives, we will be all right.

Look, I made a commitment to corn 17 years ago. Sure, I'm a man. I like to go to a barbecue and see beans that I like: baked beans, red beans, black beans, big plump garbanzos. But in the end, I always come home to my sweet, sweet corn.

Mexican people never say they’re sorry. My grandmother, when I was young, hit me with her car. I was in the driveway–pang! “You know where I park, cabron. Mira, where the oil is.” Did she say she was sorry? “Ta loco, he’s seven. When he starts paying the bills, then I’ll say sorry.”

You know how Mexican restaurants always have “border” in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn’t do that to black people: Kunta’s Kitchen or Shackles. They don’t do it to white people. You don’t see the Honkey Grill, the Cracker Barrel…. oh, nevermind.

Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!

Sarah Palin is Latina. Pay-leen. She has an infant and a grandkid the same age. Latina!

I think we all feel the same things most of the time, we just don't know how to put it into words. When I'm on stage, I say it. The truth makes people laugh.

My wife gave me a book before we got married, Oh, the Places You'll Go!, by Dr. Seuss. She was trying to tell me something, about what I was capable of, but I didn't get it. Over time, I've sort of lived the message in that book, and I couldn't have without what golf taught me. So I put it in my bag while I played the Old Course, and on the last hole when I posed on the Swilcan Bridge, I held it up.

I don't like the fact that people think Latinos wont vote for an African-American. It's bullshit. Were going to vote for the right person who can restore faith and hope in this country. Latinos feel disenfranchised. Obama's dream is our dream.

The guy is like Honduran-German. Why would you pretend to be Mexican? I think he had that intention from the beginning that he was going to play Mexican.

Mitt Romney wants the Latino vote. He ain't going to get it. He ain't going to get it. And you know why? Because Mitt Romney is a fucking Latino and he won't admit it. His father was born in Chihuahua, Mexico. Mitt Romney is a Chicano. But he won’t admit it. “I am not. I am Danish. I am French.”

Obama is the closest thing to a Latino that we have. Barack. Everybody wants to see his birth certificate too.

I think there could be a way where it can be allowed, regulated, taxed and looked at as a positive for California in a place where we’re giving out IOU’s, baby!