Quotes & Jokes by George Lopez
Chicanos never say congratulations when people do well. “I got a job over at the hospital.” “‘S about time.” Do we say good luck? No, we say, “Don’t fuck it up like last time.” Or, “So now you think you’re all bad, or what?” Go to the Hallmark store and look for that card. “Do you have a Now-You-Think-You’re-All-Bad card?”
You know how Mexican restaurants always have “border” in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn’t do that to black people: Kunta’s Kitchen or Shackles. They don’t do it to white people. You don’t see the Honkey Grill, the Cracker Barrel…. oh, nevermind.
The guy is like Honduran-German. Why would you pretend to be Mexican? I think he had that intention from the beginning that he was going to play Mexican.
Look, I made a commitment to corn 17 years ago. Sure, I'm a man. I like to go to a barbecue and see beans that I like: baked beans, red beans, black beans, big plump garbanzos. But in the end, I always come home to my sweet, sweet corn.
I used to be ashamed by the way that I grew up. I tried to lie my way through better times, but when you think that honesty and truth is really your best weapon you embrace it and put it behind you. In the end, it drives you and motivates you to do good work. No one should be ashamed about where they come from as long as you desire to be a compassionate and decent person.
Marijuana brownies are amazing. Very simple to make, too. Just get some Duncan Hines brownie mix and cook the weed right in there. Drop it right in with the butter. I don’t know who came up with this idea first, but it’s sheer genius.
Mexican people never say they’re sorry. My grandmother, when I was young, hit me with her car. I was in the driveway–pang! “You know where I park, cabron. Mira, where the oil is.” Did she say she was sorry? “Ta loco, he’s seven. When he starts paying the bills, then I’ll say sorry.”
I don't like the fact that people think Latinos wont vote for an African-American. It's bullshit. Were going to vote for the right person who can restore faith and hope in this country. Latinos feel disenfranchised. Obama's dream is our dream.
Obama is the closest thing to a Latino that we have. Barack. Everybody wants to see his birth certificate too.
Mitt Romney wants the Latino vote. He ain't going to get it. He ain't going to get it. And you know why? Because Mitt Romney is a fucking Latino and he won't admit it. His father was born in Chihuahua, Mexico. Mitt Romney is a Chicano. But he won’t admit it. “I am not. I am Danish. I am French.”
Sarah Palin is Latina. Pay-leen. She has an infant and a grandkid the same age. Latina!
Tasers don’t work on us. When you grow up poor, you get shocked by shit every single day. Toasters, lamps...