Quotes & Jokes by Red Buttons


Uncle Remus, who said to Uncle Ben, "You're a credit to your rice." Never got a dinner!

Ben Hur, who said to his sister Ben Him, "We'd better swap names before they start calling me Ben Gay!" Never got a dinner!

Sure, I've gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees... I've fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands or feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, but... thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!

Joe Torre, who switched to first base because he didn't want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner!

Sonny Von Bulow, who said to her husband Claus on their honeymoon, "Stop needling me." Never got a dinner!

Sophia Loren, whose new baby asked her, "Is all that for me?" Never got a dinner!

Crispus Attucks, who said, "Don't shoot till you see the whites!" Never got a dinner!

Moses, who said when he came out of Mount Sinai, "The food in that hospital is terrible!" Never got a dinner!

Stan Musial, who said, "Why didn't they make me the first Polish pope? I was such a good Cardinal." Never got a dinner!

Donald Trump’s mother, who said, "Donnie! Stop playing Monopoly and get in that barber’s chair! " Never got a dinner!

Dean Martin’s great-great-uncle, Ebenezer Martin, who said to Eli Whitney, "I see the cotton, but where’s the gin?" Never got a dinner!

Pope John Paul II’s press secretary, who said, "See, if only the Pope were Italian, he woulda shot back!" Never got a dinner!

Dolly Parton, who said to Mrs. Olson, "Yes, they're mountain-grown." Never got a dinner!

Amelia Earhart, who said, "Stop looking for me; see if you can find my luggage!" Never got a dinner!

Nero’s wife Shirley, who said to Nero, "Idiot! Fiddle on the roof; you'll make a fortune!" Never got a dinner!