Quotes & Jokes by Richard Jeni

75 quotes

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."

America - 20 million illegal immigrants can't be wrong!

Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, OK, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

When you talk to the manhood, mark your tone well. 'Cause if the manhood's insulted, then the manhood can't swell. If he doesn't feel strong, and he doesn't feel stout, then he'll sulk and he'll pout, and he'll never come out. So if you want that love to continue to thrive, Ladies, sit there, shut up, and let the dick drive.

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in "Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire" and the computer will say, "Specify type of goat".

Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son of a bitch.

Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.

They had a sign up: the lobsters were flown in. How cruel is that? Think about that - let's say you're a lobster, you've never been on an airplane before - what else can you think, but you've won the lobster sweepstakes?

Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!

Easiest job you could ever haveā€¦ whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create "reasonable doubt."

That's why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson - he's one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him.