Quotes & Jokes by Steve Martin / page 2


You can’t marry him. You’re a Catholic and he’s… an asshole, think of the children.

It's not tipping I believe in. It's overtipping.

There is something going on now in Mexico that I happen to think is cruelty to animals. What I'm talking about, of course, is cat juggling.

Always... no wait... never...

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

I'd thought I'd spend time with the kids so they don't turn out weird.

The new phone book’s here... The new phone book’s here... This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need... My name in print... That really makes somebody... Things are going to start happening to me now.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

Why sip from a tea cup, when you can drink from the river.

I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day.

Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.

Knowledge of means without knowledge of ends is animal training.

The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.

The emotions of men, however, were of a different order. They were pesky annoyances, small dust devils at her feet. Her knack for causing heartbreak was innate, but her vitality often made people forgive her romantic misdeeds.

She had the personality of a ZIP code in Kansas.