Quotes & Jokes by Steve Martin
You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny.
Now let's repeat the non-conformists' oath: I promise to be different! (audience repeats) I promise to be unique! (audience repeats) I promise not to repeat things other people say! (audience repeats, laughs) Good!
Some people have a way with words, and other people... oh, uh, not have way.
All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
The only thing that bothers me is if I'm in a restaurant and I'm eating and someone says, "Hey, mind if I smoke?" I always say, "No. Mind if I fart?"
I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal - high enough so you can look up her dress.
The banjo is such a happy instrument - you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.
And don't forget to fasten your condoms! Seatbelts, I mean seatbelts.
I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.