Quotes & Jokes by Steve Martin


You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

Now let's repeat the non-conformists' oath: I promise to be different! (audience repeats) I promise to be unique! (audience repeats) I promise not to repeat things other people say! (audience repeats, laughs) Good!

The only thing that bothers me is if I'm in a restaurant and I'm eating and someone says, "Hey, mind if I smoke?" I always say, "No. Mind if I fart?"

Some people have a way with words, and other people... oh, uh, not have way.

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal - high enough so you can look up her dress.

Yeah, I remember when I had my first beer.

I gave my cat a bath the other day, they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, if was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that.

It's not tipping I believe in. It's overtipping.

I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.

A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.

The banjo is such a happy instrument - you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.