Quotes & Jokes by Steve Martin

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny.

Now let's repeat the non-conformists' oath: I promise to be different! (audience repeats) I promise to be unique! (audience repeats) I promise not to repeat things other people say! (audience repeats, laughs) Good!

Some people have a way with words, and other people... oh, uh, not have way.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!

The banjo is such a happy instrument - you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.

The only thing that bothers me is if I'm in a restaurant and I'm eating and someone says, "Hey, mind if I smoke?" I always say, "No. Mind if I fart?"

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal - high enough so you can look up her dress.

Yeah, I remember when I had my first beer.

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

Somewhere in the world is... The world's worst doctor and he could be yours.

I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.

And don't forget to fasten your condoms! Seatbelts, I mean seatbelts.

The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.