Quotes and Jokes by Steve Martin

Stephen Glenn Martin is an American actor, comedian, writer, filmmaker, and musician. Martin came to public notice in the 1960s as a writer for The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour, and later as a frequent guest on The Tonight Show.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 188)


How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.


Some people have a way with words, and other people... oh, uh, not have way.


I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal - high enough so you can look up her dress.


You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny.


Now let's repeat the non-conformists' oath: I promise to be different! (audience repeats) I promise to be unique! (audience repeats) I promise not to repeat things other people say! (audience repeats, laughs) Good!


Yeah, I remember when I had my first beer.


A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.


And don't forget to fasten your condoms! Seatbelts, I mean seatbelts.


All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.


The only thing that bothers me is if I'm in a restaurant and I'm eating and someone says, "Hey, mind if I smoke?" I always say, "No. Mind if I fart?"


Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!


Always... no wait... never...


The banjo is such a happy instrument - you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.


Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.


Wow! You're a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit.