Quotes and Jokes by Steve Martin

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

Some people have a way with words, and other people... oh, uh, not have way.

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal - high enough so you can look up her dress.

You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny.

Now let's repeat the non-conformists' oath: I promise to be different! (audience repeats) I promise to be unique! (audience repeats) I promise not to repeat things other people say! (audience repeats, laughs) Good!

Yeah, I remember when I had my first beer.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

And don't forget to fasten your condoms! Seatbelts, I mean seatbelts.

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

The only thing that bothers me is if I'm in a restaurant and I'm eating and someone says, "Hey, mind if I smoke?" I always say, "No. Mind if I fart?"

Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!

Always... no wait... never...

The banjo is such a happy instrument - you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

Wow! You're a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit.