Quotes & Jokes by Steve Martin / page 4
I'd thought I'd spend time with the kids so they don't turn out weird.
Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people!
I lost 20 pounds - actually, I lost 25 pounds, but then I gained 5 back because I was too skinny. I didn`t change what I ate, I just started eating smaller portions. And I cut out bread - that`s the real killer, because I was reaching in and eating half a loaf before dinner arrived. All you have to do is that, and then you can drink all you want.
You cannot make your opportunities concur with the opportunities of people whose incomes are ten times greater than yours.
I know we've only known each other 4 weeks and 3 days, but to me it seems like 9 weeks and 5 days.
Comedians don`t get Oscars, so I gave up on that a long time ago. And I can`t really speak about the Oscar-worthiness of my own performance.
I started a grease fire at McDonald's - threw a match in the cook's hair.
You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
And I was just thinking: as much as I really admire your shoes, and as much as I'd love to have a pair just like them, I really wouldn't want to be "in" your shoes at this particular time and place.
Wow! You're a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit.