Quotes & Jokes by Steve Martin / page 4
Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people!
I started a grease fire at McDonald's - threw a match in the cook's hair.
I'd thought I'd spend time with the kids so they don't turn out weird.
I know we've only known each other 4 weeks and 3 days, but to me it seems like 9 weeks and 5 days.
I lost 20 pounds - actually, I lost 25 pounds, but then I gained 5 back because I was too skinny. I didn`t change what I ate, I just started eating smaller portions. And I cut out bread - that`s the real killer, because I was reaching in and eating half a loaf before dinner arrived. All you have to do is that, and then you can drink all you want.
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
You cannot make your opportunities concur with the opportunities of people whose incomes are ten times greater than yours.
You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Comedians don`t get Oscars, so I gave up on that a long time ago. And I can`t really speak about the Oscar-worthiness of my own performance.
And I was just thinking: as much as I really admire your shoes, and as much as I'd love to have a pair just like them, I really wouldn't want to be "in" your shoes at this particular time and place.
The presence of excessive wealth puts an unnatural spin on the appreciation of art.