Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 264
You might be a redneck if you think a 401(k) is your mother-in-law's bra size.
I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.
My favorite people to have fun with are police officers 'cause they're so serious, you know.
Larry King's been married eight times. Eight times! Jesus, man. You've got 99 problems and bitches are all of them!
You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.
Well, my career choice made a difference because I never would have met my wife, Jenny. I met her through comedian Buddy Hackett. He set us up on a blind date and then we got married.
In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.
I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents. That surprised me, I was like "Mom did you read this?"
I used to sell marijuana to my son’s mom’s new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn't it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner.
Do you love 'Trading Spaces'? I do. I would never be on that show, though. You want to know why? 'Cause you have to trust your friends to decorate your house. You have not met my friends. They do not have my best interests at heart. 'Cause it's always some over-the-top, eccentric interior designer coming in, going, 'Oh my goodness, I love this place. This is what I'm thinking for your friend's house: circus tent. Big circus tent! Do you think your friend would like a circus tent?' 'Oh yeah, he'd love a circus tent. No, no no no, yeah. Why don't you go dig up the hardwood floors, get down to the dirt, that way the ponies will feel at home.' 'Great. We're under budget.'