Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 264
Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.
Cell phones are like a dog’s nipples. You don’t have to shout into them.
Not that I was ever an asshole but I used to be much more of a bulldozer.
If you're Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, and your marriage is breaking up - that's an awful thing. But to see that speculation in people, it's gotta sting a little bit.
Wonder why it is God didn't give us wheels. He must've known we get skates for Christmas.
I've since converted to a different sect of Catholicism - part-time Catholicism.
Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn't it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner.
No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.
I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
I remember when I took a temp job... so I got a job at a department store. Something temporary to put on my resume, my parents said. Yeah... till I die!
I used to sell marijuana to my son’s mom’s new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.
As soon as he turned pro and he won his first tournament, I read, 'Bi-racial golfer wins first tournament.' Oh, OK - 50/50: he's 50% black, 50% Asian. Alright, cool. Then after he won the masters, I'm flipping through Sports Illustrated, and I read, 'Tiger Woods is a quarter black,' and I'm like, 'Damn, he's down to 25% now, man. What the hell is going on? They're treating him like he's milk.'
The truth is that God is to be found in all things - even and most especially in the painful, tragic and unpleasant things.