Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 263

Don't want to go down to Alabama. It's hot down there - slave heat. It was like 98 degrees at three in the morning. I was like, Alabama must got their own sun. I was hiding from the sun like it was the police.

She broke up with me. Didn’t really tell me why. Luckily when you’re the guy, you can just tell people she’s crazy. ‘Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.’ ‘Yeah, man. Turns out, she’s crazy.’ That’s what they always do on Entourage.

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine.'

In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I got 11 vibrators for my birthday this year. Do my girlfriends think I'm at home double teaming myself?

You have to hold your hand out, cuz the steam makes you angry. Try to bring your hand in, "ooh! I hate steam! Whoever invented steam sucks!"

Divorce isn’t caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.

You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.

Everything organic and natural is good, ignoring the fact that organic natural substances include arsenic and poo and crocodiles. And everything chemical is bad, ignoring the fact that… everything is chemicals.

I love when people in New York City complain about your smoking. Isn't that great? Yeah. These people are standing ankle-deep in dog links, straddling a dead guy, you know. Apparently my cigarette's fucking up the delicate balance of nature here.

I even took my girlfriend last week to Paris. The whole time, she's like, 'This looks like Birmingham, Alabama.' And I'm like, 'Shut up, Britney Spears.' And she's like, 'Quit calling me Britney Spears.' And I'm like, 'No one talks to The Rock like that, bitch!' Which is really funny because I don't have a girlfriend. That was just some lady on the bus - she did not smell what I was cooking.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

That's why dogs are man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.