Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 396
You can buy liquor in a drive-thru store, but you can't smoke a joint in your own damn house.
I'm now unemployed. It's a weird feeling with no work, but at least there's still golf. Standup comedy is like my core, it's what I do. But I want to be a pro golfer. It's a love/hate relationship with golf. I can come away feeling so serene, and yet, it's the thing that I can let get to me to throw a club and say curses that don't even exist. I'm obsessed with something that won't let me master it. I don't know. I need therapy.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
I wish I had a condom on right now at the bar. If only I had a piece of disgusting, greasy rubber just strangling the base of my tallywacker with enough force to cause my eyes to fly out on springs, like someone from a Warner Brothers cartoon, and ripping out pubic hairs in eight different locations - what a night!
They probably sit around on the floor with wine and cheese, and mispronounce allegorical and didacticism.
I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don’t.
Double, double, toil and trouble. A dash of menstruation, a little chardonnay, now you’ll be wrong no matter what you say!
President Obama was in Indonesia today, and he spent a lot of his childhood there. It was like Dick Cheney going back to visit the Death Star.
I took a public speaking class in college and managed to make the class laugh a little bit.
I want to do movies that I'm proud of where my kids, at some point, can see and I can feel comfortable sitting there watching it with them. And just that move people. That make people feel a little bit better about themselves when they leave the theatre.