Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 396
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
This is the cleanest and nicest police car I've ever been in my life. This thing is nicer than my apartment.
I thought that was funny, but nobody else did. I was mostly entertaining myself, though. My parents both had a great sense of humor, and always laughed a lot. One night, when they were watching Candid Camera, I finally understood what comedy was all about. I heard the laughter on television, I turned around and saw my parents laughing, and that's when I thought: 'This is great. This is what I can do. I'm gonna prank somebody.'
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.
Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.
I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.
I waited at the counter of a white restaurant for eleven years. When they finally integrated, they didn't have what I wanted.
You're so beautiful. You could be a part time model. But you'd probably still have to keep your normal job.
I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.
Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.
From there, I tried out for a community theatre play, joined an improv group... it all started opening up.
As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier.
The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.