Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 397

Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards.

I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me.

Ours is a youth culture, and like a golf tournament, we honor only low scores.

I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird!

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.

I'm a recovering alcoholic but at least I do have cough medicine on tap.

To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, "Oh, come on!" every now and then at the TV.

First of all, none of the kids knew what I was, because they'd ask 'what are you, a sub?' Sub is prefix for below. They'd all say sub, sub. I didn't know if I was a ship, a sandwich...

You think school ends when it ends, but it doesn't.

I'm most proud of the blessings that God has bestowed upon me, in my life. He's given me the vision to truly see that you can fall down, but you can still get back up. Hopefully I'll learn from my mistakes and have the opportunity to strengthen and improve the next thing I do.

I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?" He said, "I don't want to wake you up."

I don't normally talk about my religion publicly because I don't want people to associate me and my flaws with this beautiful thing. And I believe it is beautiful if you learn it the right way.

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. It's a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

It's botherin' me, man. You know, "you can't say this, you can't say that," I'm like, well, how am I gonna talk about the world? You know? I mean I need to talk about something to you all, can I - can I do it? Can I talk to y'all? I mean, I hope the kids are in bed, you know, because I got to talk, y'all.