Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 413
If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars.
But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.
Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he spent two weeks at a nudist colony.
Us Asians look like we’re twenty until we’re fifty. Once we’re fifty, we look like Yoda.
Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, "Oh, he's good."
I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.
A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!
Why do they call them cowboys? Cows is girls; bulls is boys. They should call them 'cowgirls' and 'bullboys.'
I'm so wrapped up in my work that it's often impossible to consider other things in my life. My marriage ended in divorce because of this, my relationship with Holly has suffered by this.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.