Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 413
My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.
I was teaching airplane mechanics when I realized it was more fun to make them laugh. I was laid off one more time and I never looked back, although it was nice to have a steady paycheck and benefits.
Remember this shit, if you play certain rock albums backwards there'd be satanic messages? Let me tell you something, if you're sitting round your house playing your albums backwards, you are Satan. You needn't look any further. And don't go ruining my stereo to prove a point either.
I have two skateboards, but I don't get to use them much. I have a snowboard, which I've never used.
If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.
My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
Some people say Larry the Cable Guy’s only successful because he’s pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting people’s racist and homophobic tendencies. Don’t listen to these people, Larry. They’re just bitter and jealous and right.
Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.
I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Fang will not go on a picnic. He says we have the whole thing at home: bugs, dirt, tainted food. At our last picnic we wanted to play horseshoes, but his mother refused to go barefoot.