Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 413
Fang will not go on a picnic. He says we have the whole thing at home: bugs, dirt, tainted food. At our last picnic we wanted to play horseshoes, but his mother refused to go barefoot.
One of the pluses of being married with no kids is that my wife can have more free time after she tucks me in.
I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.
Mama says that, alligators are onry cause they got all them teeth, but no toothbrush...
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.
And so it has come to this. I am one of the lucky people in the world. I found something that I always wanted to do and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
When you have a good mother and no father, God kind of sits in. It's not enough, but it helps.
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
I was influenced by every comedian I ever saw work. That's the only way you learn how to do it.
You can't run on a mistake. Franklin Roosevelt didn't run for re-election claiming Pearl Harbor was his finest hour. Abe Lincoln was a great president, but the high point of his second term wasn't theater security. 9/11 wasn't a triumph of the human spirit. It was a fuck-up by a guy on vacation.