Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 424

I went into a lingerie department one day and I said to the lady, 'I'd like to see something in a bra,' and she said, 'I bet you would!'

I want to keep working, I want to keep doing my humanitarian stuff around the world, shining light on different places that have problems. Keep making movies, make people laugh.

When you're on that ecstasy shit, this sounds like "Hey Jude".

Us Asians look like we’re twenty until we’re fifty. Once we’re fifty, we look like Yoda.

Women have choices, and men have responsibilities.

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. And I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.'

All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.

White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "guns"? Congressional hearing. "Oh, my God, that nigger said gun, and he rhymed it with fun"!

All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world.

When I used to watch vaudevillian impressionists, people like Rich Little or Frank Gorshin, I always felt like the voice was the only point. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to be of the Robin Williams or Jonathan Winters model, where observation and storytelling was important.

Helen of Troy, a hooker from Upstate New York. Never got a dinner!

I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist. And what's worse, she can prove it.

What kind of man gives cigarettes to trees?

I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.