Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 480

Wonder why it is your underarms stink. Did it ever come in handy? Did you ever say "Well thank God my underarms stunk! He came out of the bushes and I said Get back! I've been to aerobics!"

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

Man, what a rough night I had. My inflatable girlfriend ran off with my air matress.

Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.

My girlfriend is pregnant. But we've already decided to give it up for abduction.

Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.

America will tolerate the taking of a human life without giving it a second thought. But don't misuse a household pet.

Good comedy makes you laugh, and bad comedy makes people you hate laugh.

I always make fun of KISS because I don't particularly think their music is anything.

I was making love one night with my wife and she said: "You're in me." I know where I am, shut the fuck up.

If I'm crisp and economical in my delivery, have smooth transitions, movement and animation, and flights of fancy, that would get me an A.

The first time I was on TV, on “Flight of the Conchords,” someone put up a YouTube clip and said, ‘You’re too ugly to be on TV.’ And I was like, ‘That is exactly why it’s a good thing that I’m on TV.’

The earth is bipolar.

For most of my relationships, I would have liaisons, and I would feel guilty.

I discovered two very important facts that day - Number one: The springs will pull the hair out of your legs, and Number two: the dog doesn't like to bounce.