Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 479

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

I tour the South, though, I do. I love touring the South. Some people up North are afraid of the South, it's weird. I'll do a show in, like, Alabama. I'll tell someone I did a show in Alabama and they'll be like, "Oh my God! What was that like?" Oh, you know, chairs, a microphone. Oh, I'm sorry, I know what you're looking for. I'll tell you what it was like. Well, I flew into Birmingham. The Imperial Wizard from the Klan picked me up at the airport. Rode to the club on the back of an old mule. Tried to get a joke out over the shouts of "jewboy go home." At the end of the night I go "Where's my check?" They go, "You're not gettin' a check. You're gettin' this bag of porkrinds." Is that the answer you were looking for, you narrow-minded fake-liberal fuck?

It's good to see people not smoking. You get dressed up, and you smoke, and it gets in your clothes. You go, ‘What should I wear tonight?’ ‘I don't know, honey, how about something menthol?’

Many people feel that mass acceptance and smooth socialization are desirable life paths for a young adult... Many people are often wrong... Don't bother being nice. Being popular and well liked is not in your best interest. Let me be more clear; if you behave in a manner pleasing to most, then you are probably doing something wrong. The masses have never been arbiters of the sublime, and they often fail to recognize the truly great individual. Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

I never wanted to limit myself to just impressions. I wanted to branch out and develop other parts of my game.

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humor from it would be exploitative.

You might be a redneck if your dog passes gas and you claim it.

Before I have masturbation, I say to myself, 'Break a leg.' While I masturbate, I actually fantasize that I'm somebody else. In fact, if I do it in different rooms, I actually feel that I'm cheating on myself - which is sad.

There's something about doing stand-up that's cathartic.

There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is dead!

If God wanted you to eat Puerto Rican Food, he would have lined your stomach with Pepto Bismol.

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

This documentary is so sexy, it puts the sex back in quantum phy-sex.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.