Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 479

When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless. When black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers.

One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it's Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack.

Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his face - even if it costs me my job.

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.

Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

All I did was tell the truth. That's is what the whole show is about! And if "Politically Incorrect" has to go down for it, so be it!

Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

My girlfriend is pregnant. But we've already decided to give it up for abduction.

Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself.

I love to believe that there's one god but there's many different religions so there's just the question of which long distance company you pick.

A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama's economic policy is also his climate change policy.