Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 790

Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.

People go like 'Jews are cheap' *indian accent* No, that is very incorrect, I AM cheap. Jews are thrifty. BIGGGGG difference!

My dad's third heart attack, he'd gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because 'They won't let me smoke in the ambulance!' and 'You can't make a burger run.'

Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.

I like Jesus, I just felt sorry for his Disciples. Those guys had the roughest job in the world cause they could never call in sick. They could never go "Shhh shhh, yeah I know, I'll talk to him, it'll be alright..." [ring, ring... Jesus picks up] "[coughing...] Yeah listen Jesus. Yeah listen four or five of us went fishing last night and we forgot our sweaters. Yeah we're coming down with a cold or something. Yeah we're not going to be able to walk to Jerusalem with you today... What? What we're healed? But you're not here, ohh you don't have to be here you can say the word and we're healed? I didn't know that. Yeah every body is up. Yeah be good OK. We'll see you in about ten minutes alright. OK thank you, alright so long. Come on guy let go... we're healed."

How many of you text message? It’s a great way of not communicating.

I felt in a lot of instances I was deliberately being put through stress because when you're a guy who generates money, people have a vested interested in controlling you.

Comedians work great as actors because they're good under pressure. With a lot of actors, you have to make them feel like everything's going really well to get a good performance out of them. But, if you have a comedian on the set, you can tell them, 'Hey, you really are screwing this up,' and then they just get better.

There's nothing to fear but life itself.

I think I've drawn from some of the most feminine women, like Jackie Kennedy. I am totally devastated that she's gone. She had it all.

On one side you have book burners, Congressional wives and Pat Robertson. On the other side, you have vulgar comedians, foul-mouthed rap groups and Dennis Hopper - all your choices should be so easy.

I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you.

Here’s a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don’t beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you’ve actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.

I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.