Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 790

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

I know what you're thinking: yet another late night talk show host accusing Neil Sedaka of being a war criminal.

I learned about sex the hard way… from books.

If you think the last four words to the national anthem are "gentleman, start your engines", you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

Government - they used to teach it in college. It's actually something you should study and learn and know how to do. The Republicans always run on the idea that government isn't very effective. Well, not the way you do it. But it can be effective.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there’s nothing you can do about it.

This is how dumb the real estate agents are in New Jersey. They put their headshots and their advertisements on city benches. You know who sleeps on city benches? Homeless people. Why don’t you just put a picture of a four course meal next to it. “Here’s two things you’ll never own.”

New book on Malcolm X says we don’t know how he was killed. Want to bring in the FBI. Maybe they were in already.

I think people, for the most part, actually want what they think is best.

YouTube is a place for people to share their ideas. If by people you mean 13 year old girls and by ideas you mean how they love the Jonas Brothers.

I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill tied to it. [On Charlie Chaplin]