Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 790
Before you look for validation in others, try and find it in yourself.
All these teenagers tell us how much they want to grow up and then when they do they want to be young again.
I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?
George Zimmerman wants to go to law school. I believe his exact words were, “I’d kill to be a lawyer.”
Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought.
As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.
As a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that’s why I call her as often as I do.
Wouldn't it be great if people were the same in bed as they are in every day life? When Mark Spitz gets done, does he do a flip off the headboard and come back for another lap? 'Gee, Nadia, that was perfect! That full twisting dismount wasn't bad either, babe!'
I think it would be a fatal mistake to use my show as a platform for controversial issues. I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
Your love is one in a million, You couldn’t buy it at any price. But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other possible loves statistically, some of them would be equally nice.
Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Before I left for college, my dad said, 'you know, son, I'm going to miss you.' I said, 'I know; that's because I broke the sights off your shotgun.'