Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 791
People come up to me and say "Steve, what is film editing?" And I say "How should I know? You're the director."
My friends who have babies can’t do anything. Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.
My mother was an authority on pigsties. This is the worst looking pigsty I've ever seen in my life.
In honor of Veteran's Day, make sure to pinch anybody not wearing green.
There are those wonderful moments of clarity in life when one is reminded how irreparably flawed we humans are. Once, when I was nineteen, on the subway in Boston I lost my balance slightly and bumped into an elderly woman. I quickly apologized and she replied, "Well, hold on to something, stupid." There it is. That's it. That's it in a nutshell. I don't want to sound negative, but I think every fetus should be shown a film of that incident, maybe projected up on the uterine wall, and then asked if it wants to come out. I am a strong believer in a woman's right to choose, but I also think that in the last trimester, the kid should be given every opportunity to back out.
We've written the stories as they've happened in our lives, and they have happened in our lives, and people seem to identify with them. And as scary as that sounds, people seem themselves in us.
It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
I'm writing a book. It's called The Soft Spot... and Other Ways to Stop a Crying Baby.
The motto of my comedy workshop: “If I can’t make you funny, maybe you’re not. Ever think of that?”
I inherited my low-self esteem from my family. My grandfather's mantra was "I suck therefore I am."
It means a lot in that I always felt invisible, and I was louder in my own head than I was verbally. I was torturing myself, wanting to say things and not knowing how to be. The stand-up was a way out but it never came easy. So to have something that's named after me make it, and that has history tied to Desi and Freddie and now Freddie Jr., it's unbelievable to me because I never really thought anything good would happen to me.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic! Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.
Thank God I'm at that point in my career where I don't have to take stuff that I don't really want to do.