Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 791

And traffic! Traffic's a nightmare! That's how people describe it, a nightmare. Has anyone had this nightmare? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" "What is it, darling? Are you all right?" "No, I'm not all right at all!" "What was it?" "TRAFFIC!!!"

A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you.

Two guys are talking and one says to the other: 'What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?' The other one says: 'I'd shag everything that moved. What would you do?' And he says: 'I'd stand perfectly still.'

I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun.

We had problems like all families but we had a lot of love. I was extremely loved. We always felt we had each other.

When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject.

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

That shirt looks good on you. You know what else would look good on you? My friend Dave, I think you should go out with him.

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

I like Jesus, I just felt sorry for his Disciples. Those guys had the roughest job in the world cause they could never call in sick. They could never go "Shhh shhh, yeah I know, I'll talk to him, it'll be alright..." [ring, ring... Jesus picks up] "[coughing...] Yeah listen Jesus. Yeah listen four or five of us went fishing last night and we forgot our sweaters. Yeah we're coming down with a cold or something. Yeah we're not going to be able to walk to Jerusalem with you today... What? What we're healed? But you're not here, ohh you don't have to be here you can say the word and we're healed? I didn't know that. Yeah every body is up. Yeah be good OK. We'll see you in about ten minutes alright. OK thank you, alright so long. Come on guy let go... we're healed."

You know, making a movie is a collaborative effort and sometimes all the ingredients don’t work out. I know that every now and again I am going to make a movie that won’t work.