Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 791

Morgan Freeman is so class. He's so cool. He's so scary.

I think for one thing, kids are a lot smarter now then we ever were.

Don't get upset. I'm probably wrong about half the shit I say.

The more developed your abs, the less time you’ve spent reading.

And I love to ride my bike, which is great aerobics, but also just a great time for me to think, so it's like this terrific double bill.

I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel.

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man AIDS, and you don't have to give him any fish.

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

After a one night stand, make sure you wait two days before you call and tell her she has AIDS.

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

I like pressure. Pressure doesn't make me crack. It's enabling. I eat pressure, and there might be times when I get a bad feeling in my gut that this might be too much, but you feel pressure when you're not doing something, you know?

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

She kind of reminds one of Helen. There's something very similar about Elizabeth Perkins.

Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.

What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be Democrats... or skinny.