Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 881
In India, grown ass men, GROWN ASS MEN, hold hands with other men and walk down the street as if everythings ok. And they dont just hold hands, they are holding fucking pinkies and SWINGING that shit.
Lady’s like, “Sorry sir, we don’t have Internet service in all our hotel rooms. But don’t worry, we have free wireless in the lobby.”
[responding to scattered audience applause] Ah, lovely: the ripple, the ripple there. That's nearly the Zen clap of acceptance there, wasn't it?
But the two of them together, broke my heart. Olympia and Peter, those scenes... When they're kissing in their 20s and then kissing in their 70s, that's what it is. And they had never met five minutes before they shot those scenes.
My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing.
The only reason I'm able to do music is because I'm making money on 'Community.' If I wasn't, I couldn't pay for things.
I just got reacquainted with my daddy after 30 years. He came back into my life after 30 years. Ain't that some shit? It's nice. You can laugh if you want to. It ain't like he was lost at sea or nothing.
I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.
Steven Spielberg’s mother, who said to E.T., "I don't care where you're from, you're here and you're gonna get bar mitzvahed!" Never got a dinner!
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.
Over the years I've received thousands of e-mails looking for guidance. Some have real problems; some talk about monkeys and poo - though those people may also have real problems.