Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 881
Can I talk to you guys now about some of the differences between men and women? Great. Chicks cry when you punch ‘em.
Even at home, on my stationary exercise bike, I have a rearview mirror.
I don't mean this to sound hyperbolic but there are increasingly, albeit really minor, similarities between now and how Germany was lulled into what happened pre-WW2.
I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.
Flash Gordon, who said, "No, that’s not how I got my name." Never got a dinner!
You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.
We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, "There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes."
I've good kids, I love my kids. I try to bring them up the right way, not spanking them. I find that I don't have to spank them. I find that waving the gun around pretty much gets the same job done!
You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!”
You might be a redneck if your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
I love to pitch things that I believe in and products that I love to use.
My dad's like, "If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?"